I am big. Shocker!

All my life, I've been bigger than normal.  I started out in Kindergarten bigger than all the other kids. I knew from then on that I was different.  I made it through grade school with a great group of friends, whom accepted me for who I was, not the size of me.  I entered Jr. high and kept those great friends with me.  I got tormented by upperclassmen, but chose to ignore them.  I was me.  I had always been me.  High school came and  I made even more friends, new friends and had a few boyfriends too.  I surrounded myself with people who loved me, and steered clear of the ones who didn't.  Every day in my head, I knew I was different.  I was big.  I was just as kind, just as smart, just as funny, just as nice, just as socially acceptable, but I was big.  To some I was fat, to others I was a slob, to some I was a monster. 

My parents put me on weight loss programs.  My parents loved me for who I was, and never made me feel badly for what I'd become, but they tried to help me take a path of health.  We didn't grow up in a house of junk foods. We NEVER had soda in our house, we drank tea sweetened with sugar twin or water.  I didn't grow up on Kool-aid.  We were poor compared to most families.  We cooked.  My mom was HUGE on veggies and fruits and portion control was always monitored , but I was big.  I got out and rode my bike, I played with my friends, tag, football, basketball, roller skating, kickball, hide and seek.  I was still big. 

In high school I met a great guy, he stole my heart, and I stole his.  We fell in love.  He married me, I was big.  We had fertility trouble trying to make a baby, trying to create our family.  We lost babies, we lost family, we lived our lives.  I have been big the whole time.  Diets come and go.  Weight falls off, comes back.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  We have kids, we do things with them, we go places, we love them with our whole hearts but I am still big. 

I will be 30 in 2 months.  I have lived 30 years of my life larger than everyone else.  I have spent numerous occasions trying to hide in the back of the room.  I can read your mind when you look up and down my body.  Do you think I like to be this way?  Do you think I have never tried to change it?  Do you think I don't know the names people call me?  The stares I get, the glances.  Do you know that there are actually people in this world deathly afraid of fat people?  There are people who see me coming and will all but sprint in another direction.  I know people make fun of the clothes I wear, the things I am forced to buy because I can't find anything else flattering to fit my large body.  Do you think I like to be so different?  Have you ever worried about breaking a chair from sitting in it?  I never have broken one, but I've head of fat people doing that, so it is always a worry, something that's always on my mind when I go to sit someplace.  There are countless things I do different than you because I am big. 

I don't want to be this way.  I don't like my body.  I am not in love with it.  I am in love with ME.  The person I am, the heart I have, my spirit, my drive, my determination, my kindness, my personality.  Those are about the only things I have going for me in this world.  It's hard being fat.  It's not an easy task to get out of bed every day.  Most days I would just rather stay there, and not have to face the rude and ignorant people of this world, but I do.  I get out of that bed and I LIVE.  I want to LIVE.  I want to see my kids grow up.  I would love to see my grand kids.  I would also like to retire with my Husband and lay on another beach someplace new in this world. 

I know there are critics out there.  Everyone has an opinion and I am sure I will hear it all, but I have decided to share with you all my new journey.  This is going to be such a life changing event and I do invite you to share it with me.  Above all else in my life I am brutally honest.  I do not lie.  My family and friends know this about me.  I usually wind up getting in the most trouble in this world because I do have a mouth on me and I am not afraid to use it.  I don't take shit off of anyone and I say the things everyone else is thinking but nobody wants to say.  I cut to the point.  I feel like it's time for me to cut to the point with you all.  I am fat.  I have been fat my whole life, and I know deep down I will always be fat.  I have decided to make a change. 

I have been visiting a Surgeon in Peoria, Dr. Marshall, and I am taking all the steps to have The Bilio-pancreatic Diversion with Duodenal Switch.  This is a weight reduction surgery that will change my life forever.  This is not a decision I have taken lightly.  I have spent 30 years trying to cure this addiction I have, and with every other option I have failed.  My health is important to me.  I want to LIVE.  I do not expect to be skinny.  I don't expect to ever be "thin" but I want to be healthy.  This surgery is not a quick fix. 
It's a whole life changing process.  There are many steps I have had to take so far, and will have to take before surgery even happens.  I didn't want to even share this with anyone until I knew FOR SURE that it was going to happen.  I finally met one on one with the surgeon yesterday, and he approved me for surgery and told me that my insurance would cover the surgery.  I wanted to make sure it was actually going to happen before I spilled the beans and had to listen to all the negativity from everyone about me doing this.  I know everyone will have their opinion, or knows someone who's done this and had complications, someone who died, someone who regained back the weight... I know all this.  I know a few myself actually from all of the above, except for the dying part. 

I have had to go through quite a process so far and there's a lot more to do before I finish this.  I had to go to a 2 1/2 hour meeting with my "support person", who is my mother, and we learned all the types of surgeries, the risks, the good, bad and ugly.  We also met the surgeon, we saw people post op who have had this done.  We saw and heard their stories, we learned soooooo much at this meeting we came out of there so confused, because before we went in there, we thought we knew what we wanted done, and when we left, we had changed our minds completely!

Next I had to go back to Peoria for a Bod Pod reading.  I sat in an "egg" and it measured my body.  It told us my muscle mass, fat and water weight.  I will have to have another bod pod reading at 6 months post op and another one at a year.  This will tell the Dr whether of not I am exercising and gaining muscle instead of wasting away muscle.  When you have surgery like this done you could risk losing muscle if you don't stay toned up.

Yesterday we met with the surgical team, and Dr.  He helped us pick the perfect surgery for me based on what kind of success I was wanting to get from it.  He took the time to answer our many, many questions, and he approved me for surgery. 

November 8th I have to go back to Peoria for a first steps class.  There they will discuss exercise, nutrition before and after surgery, medication, and vitamins that I will be needing to keep a close eye on for the rest of my life.  This will be another major meeting that will be crammed full of information. 

Once a month until surgery I have to attend a support group.  If I don't go and get my group card signed then I am kicked out of the program and can't have the surgery.
I also have to get an appointment with a psychologist before surgery.  Once I meet the psychologist and get cleared from him for surgery, then I will get my surgery date. 
I have to get blood work now to measure all my vitamin and hormone levels now before surgery, and begin to get my vitamins on track before surgery. 

When I get my surgery date I will meet with the surgeon 2 weeks before surgery to answer any last questions we might have, after that meeting then I will have to go directly to a meeting with the Nutritionist and attend a nutrition class that day also.  This class will tell me about the liquid diet I will have to be on for 5 days before surgery, and also the diet I will have to be on directly after surgery. 

When surgery is complete I will have to visit a Exercise specialist to go over what I will need to do to tone up and not burn muscle, our goal is to burn off my fat, not muscle. 

It's quite an ordeal.  I've completed quite a few steps so far to get to this point.  It's been a month and a half of meetings, phone calls, and Dr's appointments.  I am ready to do this and get on the road to a new healthy me.  I am excited to change my life.  I am excited to shed some pounds and feel better.  I want to extend my life for as long as possible.  I love my life! 

I know people will be not happy I am doing this, and I can respect that, but I ask that you respect what I have to go through to live every day in this body that I am living in right now.  It's not easy being me.  Until you've been in my shoes and walked a mile, please don't judge.  I can answer any questions you might have.  I plan on being honest about my process.  I need people in my corner.  I want the support, that is why I am sharing it with the world.  It takes a team to play a game, and let's face it friends, this is the BIGGEST game I have ever played in,and I want you all on my team.

Off I go...

Running high on stress, and the emotions of life.  I feel like I am constantly spinning in circles lately.  I am trying to manage daily life around my house, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking care of the kids, going to visit grandpa as much as possible, Dr's visits for Brody, scheduled tests for Brody, my Undercover Wear Parties, Working at the Peacock on Fridays, all the while trying to keep things running smoothly so I can make all my meetings in Peoria to change me and make me a better person.

Bill has a lot going on at the farm right now.  There's been TONS of changes in the last month.  It's exciting to make these changes, and see progression.  It's so exciting to see him fulfill his hopes and dreams for the way he wants things to go for our future.  He's also working on expanding his seed business with Kruger.  I think the yields on this years crops really surprised everyone around here.  Bill's super happy about that, and how Kruger compared to other companies.  He's motivated to grow and expand his business, which makes me so happy to see him succeed.

Bill and I have been through so much in our 11 1/2 years of marriage.  We've seen each other at our worst, and best.  He truly supports me in all my life's decisions and does his best to support our family.  I look up to him for taking such great care of us all.   It's so great to know that I have him in my corner no matter what. 

I want to figure out what's wrong with Brody.  Today is our Dr's appointment to compare tests from a couple weeks ago.  I am hoping that he's improved and that we can finally narrow this down and move on from here.  I don't like my baby sick.  It bothers me. 

Tomorrow Bill, Mom and I are headed back to Peoria for an important meeting.  We have to leave almost as soon as we put Cole on the bus.  I hope that we can be back in time to get him off the bus, but if not, Lindsay is going to come out and get him off the bus.  Thank goodness.  Hopefully after tomorrow the future will be set in stone and I can finally let everyone know what is going on exactly.  It's so hard keeping this from everyone, but I want to know FOR SURE what is going to happen before I let everyone know and something go wrong and not happen at all.  I am praying for a good day tomorrow.  I am so nervous and I don't know if I can sleep tonight! 

We stoked up the wood stove last night.  It's been so chilly here in the morning and night and we finally couldn't take it anymore.  We got the fire going, took the cap off, and switched the furnace over from the air condition to the heat.  Bill also turned off the water heater.  Our electric Bill should take a dive down now, finally!

Well I gotta get Brody to the Dr.  Then I have to run to Dollar General to get a few things,and come home to clean my house.  I've been working on things a bit at a time the last few days, so today I am going to finish up the small stuff and whip this house into shape!  It shouldn't take too long if I get into it and dig deep!!!  Off I go for the day!!

Sunshine and smiles

This week has been quite a bit less stressful than the last few.  Brody's still fussy, feverish, and not right.  We are working with the Dr to figure out if it's Mono, teething, or something else.  Hopefully we discover what it is soon. 

Bill & I bought some new cattle.  We bought 20 bread bows.  Last Sunday Bill came home and got me and the boys and took us to the farm to meet our new mommas.  Cole is so smitten!  He loves cows!  He loves taking care of them.  He was soooo happy to be out there checking them out and helping daddy feed them! 

Brody was not quite sure what to think, until they moo'd at him, then he moo'd back!

I have been making trips to Peoria lately in an attempt to change my life forever.  As soon as we get all the details ironed out and I am sure everything is going to pan out, I will be filling everyone in on what is going to happen.  It's been quite a time consuming event so far!  It's taken quite a team to make these trips happen and to make sure the boys are accounted for and taken care of while I am gone.  Thankfully my cousins Tiffany and Hannah live there so we have a place to flop in between meetings and such.  Our first trip to Peoria we had to do some shopping, of course, before our meeting.  My mom and aunt Carla were along on this trip, so was Brody.  Carla was staying behind to sit with Brody while mom and I were busy.  Thank goodness for that!  Here is a pic of Brody trying on a cute hat while shopping... he hated it!  Winter is going to suck this year... this kid HATES hats,

Guess I should mention how he HATES shoes and socks too... this is him after I put shoes and socks on him.

What a pouty sad sad face!  Poor feller!  He just can't stand shoes and socks on.  Tries so hard to get them off.  This face just breaks my heart.  I hate making him so mad by wearing them!  We are practicing for winter. 

This past Sunday was an amazing day.  We went in to moms and got things ready for a weenie roast.  It was so fun sitting out around the fire, roasting weenies, chatting and drinking with friends.  What a fun night.  They boys had fun and the best part... SMORES!

Gramps has been getting along well.  He has actually been pretty with it the last few times we went to visit.  Monday was such a beautiful sunny Columbus day.  We went out and loaded him up and took him for a nice long walk.  He was laughing and having such a great time.  He really enjoyed it!  It was so nice for Cole to get out and see him, and get to see him actually having some fun.  Last time Cole was out to see him he was pretty sleepy. 

We must have looked quite a sight the five of us out walking around!  It was such a beautiful sunny and calm day.  It was just a great visit.  Brody even enjoyed his ride!  Cole pushed him the entire trip!  Those two crack me up!  Giggling and laughing at each other the whole time! 

It's going to be a lovely weekend!  We have a wedding to go to Saturday.  We are also supposed to paint my grandmas living room this weekend.  Should be fun!  I am excited to do it all!  The weather should be sunny and warm too, that's perfect!!!

Here's to another great week everyone! 

whew!

Brody has Mono.  The blood tests came back positive for mono.  He's being treated and is still super tired and wore out.  He's grouchy a lot and cranky.  He sleeps, drinks, eats and cries.  He's been playing very little at times.  Poor feller! 

Cole's started selling boy scout popcorn.  He's excited to do that.  He loves scouts.  I am so happy he's enjoying it.  He took his first spelling test at school the other day and did great!  I was so proud of his penmanship.  It looked so wonderful!  I could tell he did a really nice job trying to make it look great.  He loves going to school to see his friends and loves class and learning, he just is NOT a morning person, most days!  He's ouchy grouchy every day and it takes a lot to get him up and around.  Poor guy.  He loves sleeping in. 

Bill and Keith are DONE with the corn.  Woo hoo!  What an accomplishment!  I am so glad they got through it without any major breakdowns and delays.  We really had wonderful weather once we got in the fields.  That was a blessing.  Now on to beans... oh JOY! 

It's been so chilly here.  We have not turned the heat on yet, but I think we might just have to.  It got downright cold last night.  I had brody in thick winter jammies for bed and even made him sleep in socks, which I HATE doing!  I don't like socks, so I hate making the boys wear them at night.  It's a quirk of mine.  Weird I know, but I hate it! 

I am so busy here lately!  I was hoping things in life would slow down a bit, but then I go and get myself involved in more things to keep me running in circles.  I know deep down it's all for the best, and it will be better soon, but for now life is crazy!  I'm having trouble keeping up sometimes!  It's nothing that can't wait, but I like to feel like I have things done better around here.  I am behind on some laundry and we have been working really hard with Cole on keeping his messes cleaned up and chores done daily.  He's doing so well helping out I really need to take the time to go to walmart and get him a reward for all his efforts.  I guess if I wait long enough it will just have to be a nicer reward! 

Well we are off to help Bill at the farm.  Then it's home for Bath's and supper and bed.  School tomorrow, and I am off to Peoria with Carla.   Busy day!!