I know we've touched on the fact that I am a little larger than life. I had a good friend today ask me a question and it really got me to thinking and digging into my soul to see if there is any truth to what she said. Here it goes...
"Do you think that because you were so made fun of as a child, that is the reason you take to heart and really dwell on things people say to you now? Is that why it bothers you so much when someone has a problem with you? Is that why you want everyone to like you and why you want to please people all the time? Do you think that because you had a rougher time of it as a kid, that now you have trouble with people accepting you for who you are "
Well... GOOD QUESTION? I may have a large exterior, and because of it some people are scared of me. Some are scared to approach me, some afraid to stand up to me, some just don't give a shit, but then for some reason what others think, plays a big part in my life. I try my hardest to please everyone. I am a doer. I do do do for everyone. I do so much for others that my life and my issues and my stuff gets put on the back burner more than not, because I like to please people and help them out and keep them happy. Very rarely do I say "NO" when someone asks me to help out or do something for them. I know some people take advantage of me. I know exactly who those people are, and I still allow it to happen. Why? Is it because I am afraid of not pleasing someone? There are times when I've done and done and done for people and then when I ask a favor in return there's nobody to ever help me out. I let them get away with it over and over again... Why? Am I afraid to cause conflict or make someone mad? Am I afraid they will think ill of me for saying "NO" to them, or to confront them about why they give me the shaft all the time? I'm the one people walk all over. Time and time again, I'm the one.
I'm a pretty tough cookie. I really take a lot to get me upset. I am always cheery and happy. When I'm not, it's usually over something major going on, or a series of things that piled up over time and I've just held it all in for so long that when I explode, watch out! Well I think I've reached a boiling point this week. I am on the exploding end and LOOK OUT. It's coming out in floods the last couple days and I am feeling pretty good about it.
Everyone has their own life to live. I chose to graduate high school, get married, have kids and here I am, 11 years and 2 kids later. I stay home almost all day every day, unless I'm helping my Grandparents out with something, or we need something from town. I don't go out much. I can count the times on one hand that I've went out and did anything with my "friends" this entire year. Yep, I said YEAR. And to pull that off takes major planning. I have to have a sitter, and I only trust certain people with my kids, so it's complicated finding someone I trust to keep them for the night. Then I gotta make sure Bill is taken care of when he gets home, supper of some sort and make sure he knows where I'm at and when I plan on being home. Because I only get out a couple times a YEAR I try to pick the perfect people to surround myself with. I make sure it's people I trust and people who mean a lot to me. I make sure it's someone I really will enjoy my time with. Some way or another my mother is usually involved in my outing, very rarely do I get a night out where she's not involved. I enjoy her, I trust her and I know when I am with her I will have a good time. Why do I chose my mom? Because it's unconditional. I know that is who I want to spend my free time with. My mother doesn't judge me. She doesn't talk smack about me behind my back, and let's face it... we have a good time together. My mom is my number one friend, besides my husband whom I chose to spend my time with. I'm comfortable with her. Other than her, there's a handful of others that I know I am safe with. I know they love and respect me for who I am and what I stand for. Those friends I can count on one hand also. They are important to me. Some of them I never get to see, but I know they love and support me from afar!
I've always been one to pick and chose my dear friends wisely. I've been burned one too many times by people I mistrusted and I've learned from that mistake. If you don't know my deepest darkest secrets then lets face it, you aren't my close friend.
People get all sorts of confused about friends and family. You pick your friends people, you can't pick your family. Believe me, there are some that I'd have trimmed off the family tree a long time ago if I could. I cannot stand when people say "you gotta chose your family over your friends" ummm okay? Since when? I chose who I want to chose. I let in who I want to let in. It's my life. I have friends that I consider family because of the way they love and respect me. They treat me well and they deserve a branch on my family tree. I LOVE my immediate family to pieces. I don't believe in disowning your siblings or your parents, unless they've done something completely terrible to you, like molesting or abuse. My Father, Mother and Brother are the world to me. When my dad died, I came to realize just how short life is. I realized how important immediate family is and I realized how important my TRUE friends were. My Mom and Brother are the only ones I have left to depend on in this world. No matter what anyone else says, we have a bond like no other. I know that when the going gets tough I can call on them and they will be at my side in a heartbeat and support me through thick and thin. These few people are the ones that truly love me no matter what. Their opinions do matter to me, but they don't expect me to do what they want, nor do they expect me to change who I am to please anyone else.
Fat, skinny, short, tall, black, white. I am me. I want to make myself proud. Not anyone else. As long as I can go to sleep every night knowing I did the best I could, I will be happy with myself, it's when I can't sleep and stay awake worrying about things that is when I feel like there needs to be some changes made.
Last night was a fun night for me with the girls. I ended up having a few too many to drink. I ended up having a talk with someone I would consider a friend. Not that we've talked much in the last 6 months or so, but a friend. Or is she? She was a bit drunk too, so the tongues were a wagging I'm afraid. She wanted to put her two cents worth in about some information that really doesn't pertain to her, it really doesn't pertain to me either, but I sure seem to be getting drug into it a lot lately. This "friend" keeps telling me how good of a "friend" I am to her. Then she proceeds to tell me All about what "really" went down, how the whole drama fest has played out the last 6 months, who's at fault and why, but then she wanted to know "MY SIDE OF THE STORY" so I try to tell her and don't even get 10 words out and she's interrupting me and filling in details that I didn't even know existed because they don't pertain to me or "MY SIDE OF THE STORY" so she goes on and on and on about all these things she's heard, how she feels what she THINKS is right and wrong and immediately I am brought to tears because I realize that this "friend" of mine has her mind made up. I could talk to her till I'm blue in the face, she isn't going to listen to a word I say, cause she KNOWS everything. She says she is a "friend" and she doesn't want to chose sides or make me mad by what she has to say, but she won't even let me speak, I'm not kidding you, I couldn't speak more than 5 words without her shaking her head, saying "no no no, it didn't happen like that" and rolling her eyes. So when she's done ranting I tell her "you say you are my friend and you want to know my side, but you won't even LISTEN to me? You've got your mind made up, you think you know how this is, and you are only going to believe what you want to believe and I don't feel like trying to change your mind." This friend looked at me totally dumbfounded for a second and said "you're right" "mandy, you are totally right, I'm sorry I feel this way, but that's what I think" so I said to her "let's just agree to disagree, and when you think you really want to hear and LISTEN to what I have to say, you give me a call and we can talk. There's no point in me even talking to you with your mind made up, you've already chosen a side, just call me when you want to really listen to me." I meant every word of that conversation. If this "friend" calls me 10 years from now or 10 days from now, I will tell her the Gods honest truth about what went down with me and my side of things, and I am a firm believer in there's two sides to every story.
Until she calls, then I guess I have a few things to consider... Is she really a "friend"? I know she's not my bestie , but in all considered she was a friend of mine, or I thought so anyways? I've never made her chose between me and anyone else, I am totally comfortable letting her take neutral ground. I don't ask her about my arch enemy, because I just don't give a shit, but I know for a fact she FB stalks me and runs and tattles my life's tales to my enemy. Is this person really a "friend"?? I gotta give it to her, she's the ONLY person who's actually confronted me about any of this drama with my enemy. She was drunk, none the less, but she did spout it out and get her feelings out in the matter. She didn't listen to any of mine, nor did she care to, because of course my enemy is always in the right and my enemy is her "bestie" as I was told last night. So what do you call this type of "friend"? Is she just another foot soldier for my enemy? Someone who's going to one day stand in the enemies line of fire herself, and when she does GOD help her, because only then will she know the shit I've been through because of my enemy.
Why do I call this gal my enemy? Well only because I have no better word for someone so horrible. Someone who uses, and uses and uses people to their core, only to spit them out , cause drama in their lives and one day out of the blue turn their backs to them and stomp them to the ground. The enemy has no heart. I used to feel sorry for her. I used to. Till I realized how much she uses people. I was sick of being used. She never has any of her own money, never can pay her own way, always has a pity story to make you feel more sorry for her and her situation, when she's a big girl and she made her own bed. She can't afford to put food on her table,or pay her bills on time sometimes, but can always afford cigarettes, and booze, but I'm not too sure she doesn't let her friends pay her way most of the time, or my brother, it's easy to mooch off of friends ya know. She's sneaky and snide and honestly I do still feel sorry for her.
I am sorry that she was never loved like she deserved to be loved, I am sorry she feels the need to take it out on all the good hearted people in this world who ever once gave a shit about her. I'm sorry that even her own immediate family and her have rocky relationships. I'm even sorrier that it's about something totally STUPID that she wastes years of her life not even talking to her own brother. That's one of the stupidest things, and I just can't fathom hating my sibling? I'm sorry that even after losing a best friend, someone who she cared about the most in this world, and someone who also cared about her, she still doesn't understand the value of forgiveness and the importance of love and lost time. How quickly things can all just disappear. I'm sorry that she is so blinded by jealousy of everyones happiness and good fortunes that she has to be so mean spirited to them because of it. I'm sorry that she feels it necessary to bad mouth me and others just to make herself feel good. I'm sorry that she has lived her whole life not valuing her own self worth. I am sorry she hasn't grown up, just because you are considered a grown up, doesn't mean you've grown up. I'm sorry she never had a true family structure in her life, and she got tossed around so much growing up. I am sorry for all of this, but honestly I think she's the one who's sorriest the most. She wants everyones pity, when what she really needs is to put her big girl panties on and GROW UP. Boo hoo for you, so you had a rough life. CHANGE IT. Only you can make your future. Change your attitude, change your ways, change your life. Get happy, fall in love, live your dreams. Make them come true. I can't do any of that for you, and neither can anyone else so get busy. Make it happen.
This is a side of me many people don't get to see too often. This is my vulnerable side. This is the me deep inside. This is what I get when I bottle up years of hatred, torment and frustration. This is what happens when you spend years getting used and abused and stupid me, I forgive and go back for more, only to get shit on once again. I've put up with it for too long because we were family and I keep forgiving her.
I refuse to taint my life any longer with people and things that won't change and do better for themselves. This time she broke the camels back with me, because she involved my child. That's below the belt. I won't stand for that. This is nothing new. This rough spell with my enemy has been going on for MONTHS and MONTHS now. I am perfectly happy not speaking to her, or about her. But then she goes and cries to my brother, mother, her friends, my friends, and her mother about me. How horrible I am. She's not happy unless she causes some drama. She brought this newest drama in her life herself by sending her ex husband papers from the lawyer, I had NOTHING to do with this. She drags me into it and I am sick of her doing that. When will all you people see that she is the common denominator in all this drama? I guess I can't expect you to get it right off the bat, I mean, I've known her for almost 30 years now, and I'm just now getting sick of her shit and finally getting to understand her behavior. For months now I've had NOTHING to do with her and guess what, I'm still alive and living just fine on my own without her in my life. I seriously think I could manage the rest of my life this way. I've slept just fine at night.
YOU are not going to pick my friends. I am sorry if YOU don't like my choices. YOU don't have to. YOU don't have to sleep in my bed every night, I do. I am not going to die hating someone just because YOU want me to. I am not going to let YOU choose who I speak to or who I associate with. I am on a totally different level in life than you are, and until you can rise up to meet me on my level, then piss off. Life's too short, and I'm not wasting anymore time on you, or people who say they are my "friends" but then prove to me otherwise.
If you want to be my friend then all I ask is for you to treat me with the love, kindness and respect that I deserve, and I will do the same from you. Don't ever judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes. If you have a problem with me come to ME. If you want to be my friend the phone works both ways, I am sick of being the one trying to please everyone all the time and make everyone happy. If you want to be my friend and know what's going on in my life give me a ring, my number hasn't changed. 309-333-6040 Friendship takes time and effort, and I am sick of being on the giving end and not the receiving end for half of the people I truly do consider my friends.
I am NOT perfect. But daily I pray for guidance and strength to make it through another day on this earth trying to be the best me I can possibly be. I am sick of all this negativity in my life. I am trying to rid myself of the bad and let in some goodness. I have major major changes coming my way. I want to be open and honest and healthy for this journey to a new me. I am ready to embrace some changes. I am ready to change my mind. I am ready to wrap my arms around all the people that are positive in my life, and hold on for dear life while they join me on this wild ride! Out with the old and in with the new.
Boy I can't wait until I go see this shrink. Maybe he/she can tell me why fat people spend so long letting people walk all over them? Now that I've analyzed this today, I feel better and I guess I will eventually find out who my true friends are.
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