Where to begin... there's been a lot going on since my last blog post. First off I have hit my one year mark. I am just shy of losing 200 lbs. I am now considered healthy weight for my height and my BMI is on the upper side of the normal range. This is amazing to me. I am so proud of myself. My Dr. was pleased with my progress and my labs look fantastic. My vitamin D has came up from a 18 to now a 26 and I am going to be on another 3 months of mega vitamin D 50,000 IU twice a week. I was on it 3 time a week but now that my numbers are climbing he seems to think that the twice a week
will be okay. My copper level is a tad off so I have to start taking Zinc because I guess the zinc and copper go hand in hand and whatever he wants my copper to do, the zinc will help it out the best. I also have to start taking a B-12. It's not low yet, just borderline and they did notice a change from my levels last time, so they are just keeping a close eye on it to make sure I don't become deficient in it. The B vitamins are essential for heart health, and with my family history we don't need any trouble in that area. Whatever I can do to help my heart out is great by me!
I am right on track with everything else, so the Dr said to get my labs done every 3 months, and he would see me back in the office in a YEAR!!! I love the sound of that! I can do the happy dance.
Now on to the important stuff. Brody...our little pistol. Since age one we've had some major issues with him. Not things that other people could really point out and say there was a problem, but things that I, as his mom was noticing. Bill even had trouble believing there was something truly wrong with him. Other than him seeing him scream and throw these awful fits for hours at a time, Bill didn't think that anything was "wrong" with our child. He didn't want anything to be wrong with him and didn't want him to be labeled. Neither did I actually, but I kept having this nagging feeling in my gut that there was SOMETHING terribly wrong with him. The older he got the worse things stood out to me. First off there was MAJOR speech delay with him. He was over 2 before he spoke. He then only said a few choice words. By 2 years 4 months he had a brief word explosion and was finally seeming to catch up with some speech. He was still about 100 words behind the charts of where he should have been, but what little things he was spouting off seemed to make life a LOT simpler with us around here. He was communicating and this seemed to help ease the strain of some of the fits he was throwing.
It was so frustrating though when we noticed through the holidays a few choice things that really started to bother me about him, and when Bill actually picked up on it and gave me the go ahead to get him re tested for a few things. Here's what we noticed. In a crowded place like a store or mall he would freak out. He didn't like going to Cole's school program. We thought it was the people? He just seemed to freak out bad. He didn't like it there. On vacation this summer I noticed as long as he was in his stroller in his own little space he was fine, but as soon as you took him out, he freaked out and was throwing fits. Thank goodness we took that stroller with us.
We also noticed at Christmas family functions that he seemed to want to go off into his own little world all the time. He didn't want to be out with us around everyone. He likes to stay in his own room, or he would want put in his crib to lay and watch tv or he would live in the bath tub. The bath tub... dum dum dum... it's like the key element to this whole thing. I started noticing that when he would get extremely upset, he would want to take a bath. Baths seemed to be the ONLY thing to settle him down at times. He would hound and hound until you put him in the tub. He would get really agitated and upset it you wouldn't get him in the tub. As soon as his little body hit that water and as soon as you shut the shower doors he was a happy camper. He would calm himself down in the tub. He would play in there until he wanted out and then he would get out and come running and be a totally happy kid. He is taking about 5 or more baths a day on average.
New years eve my aunt Susan was out here. I didn't say anything to anyone about him or these habits of his, but with a house full of people and kids, he didn't want nothing to do with anyone. He settled into his room, wanted in his crib or lived in the tub. Susan picked up on this too and said something about Autistic kids doing these things. Bill had been kinda in denial about this all for so long, but that night with Susan here he started to listen to what she had to say. After that night he finally realized that things just weren't quite right with Brody. He finally agreed that I needed to do whatever I needed to do to help figure this out and make life a bit easier on us all. He also didn't like feeling so rejected by him all the time. He's just not the loving kid that Cole was.
Brody has been in the early intervention program for over a year now. He gets evaluated by a speech therapist, developmental therapist and has supposed to been getting evaluated by an occupational therapist, but there isn't one in our area right now. Luckily Chuck the guy through early intervention was able to pull some strings with Megan a therapist from the Quad Cities and he had 4 families who needed evaluated, so she agreed to come down here a day and see these kids.
Megan came and spent over 3 hours evaluating Brody. He showed her all his true colors that day. He was an angel, a terror and threw a few fits now and again. She was able to see it all. She asked about 1,000 or more questions and graded him on my responses and what she could see for herself. It was so overwhelming, but by the time she left that day, we had a diagnosis.
Brody has Sensory Processing Disorder. This is a highly complex and complicated diagnosis. I am still learning so much about it, but all the things I see and hear about it, nails Brody on the head to a T. I am finding more and more that this is so highly associated with Autism and the spectrum that it's no wonder that was the gut feeling that I'd been having for so long. Turns out that he could eventually get diagnosed with something on the spectrum when he's a bit older and they see more things stand out with his traits and personality. For now, I don't really want to label him, I just want to get him all the help I can possibly get him and know how to best help him fit in at school and learn all he can and be all he can be.
I have some therapy things I am doing with him daily. Brushing, and joint compressions and those things really seem to help calm him down and put him in a better place. With just a weeks time of doing these things, and doing a few of the tips and tricks that Megan the Occupational therapist suggested, he's really taken to it all. He's calmed down a lot and seems to want to associate with Bill more. It was a jam packed day with her and she told me soooo many things, so I have had to read up on more and study this disorder.
One of the main things about this disorder is the crowds and noise really bother him because he just can't process it all. We normal people, tend to tune out the background noises, with Brody it's amplified and he can't tune it out. His little brain just can't quite process it all just yet and this is where he throws fits, screams and acts out. He just flips out and melts down because he doesn't know any other way to calm himself down and tune it out. It's like nails on a chalkboard to him.
He takes comfort in his "space" that is why his room, his crib and his bath tub are his safe zones. We are working on putting up a pop up tent to the dining room to give him another place to go calm down, in hopes that when school starts he can go to the tent if he has an issue and needs a place to go isolate himself and chill out. These kids get overloaded really easy and need time outs for themselves to calm their brains down a lot.
Brody also tends to get pretty upset with different voices. If Bill talks to him with a baby voice and trying to baby talk him, that pitch really must bother him because we have noticed that it sets him off. So Bill's working on talking normal to him now and Brody seems to really warm up to him more now. He's also been working on firmer touch. You'd think that gentleness is key with kids, but sensory processing disorder kids don't process light touch.. When you lightly touch them they immediately think that it is going to hurt and can sometimes have the sensations that they are being burned. So firmer touch, bear hugs, seem to be what works best. We've been doing this more with him and it seems to help a lot. He LOVES it. Loves the brushing therapy where you firmly take this plastic brush and stroke his skin. This therapy helps him become aware of his entire body and limbs. Sensory kids seem to not know what body parts actually belong to them. They don't realize their body is their own. This brushing helps them know they are all there. The joint compressions really calm him down and settle him down. The more I do them on him the more relaxed he is.
I am a momma bear true and true and I KNEW something was not right with my kid. When you know you just know. Never ignore your gut feelings. I am so happy to have a name for all this now. I am happy to know where to go from here and things I can finally do to help him out. Not just things that let him slip through the cracks and get lost in the shuffle. Our child is going to be something some day. I want him to have a chance to do just the same as every other kid out there and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. This includes pushing and pushing until we figure him out!
Eventually when school starts in August we may have to take him to the Autism clinic and narrow down the diagnosis to better help him blend in at school and for his education, but for now this is what we got and I am doing all the research and all the things I've been taught to help him out.
It's just amazing to Bill and I how a few little things can totally change a kid in ONE week! Wow! I can't wait to see how these things help out in the long run! We are so blessed!
Mernie had her surgery on Monday. It was a long day, but she came out switched and she is out of the hospital and home now. She's on her journey to her weight loss success and I am so happy and proud of her. She is going to rock this stuff!!!
Cole spent last night with Jenny and she took him to the skating rink so he could skate! He's been looking forward to the rink opening up all winter long. He's so happy!
This week I plan on just getting things organized here at home. Catching up from a busy week of running to Peoria twice and not being home much. I am about caught up, but then I have more things I would like to get accomplished that don't really stand out, but to me I want to get done and cleaned out and up!
So much to do, so little time!
The Frakes Family
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
A YEARS reflections...LONG POST
Feb 3, 2012 ...One year ago today I was in a total panic freaking out that I wasn't going to make it to Peoria for my surgery. We were in the smack middle of the storm of the century. 28 inches of snow had fallen, was still falling and blowing like crazy. Bill assured me come hell or high water, even if we had to rive the tractor and snow plow to Peoria he would get me there no matter what!
One year ago today I was packing bags. Bags for us to stay in the hospital, bags for the boys to go to Bev's. I was having such an emotional day. I was making sure I had plenty of liquid foods to eat to come home to. I was making sure I had my vitamins all ready and set for after surgery consumption. I was a nervous wreck. I was about to undergo a surgery that could possibly kill me. It happens. Would I even be coming home? I was hugging my boys tighter and enjoying every second with them, just in case I didn't come home. I was ready for the changes. I knew I would end up dying young if I didn't go through with this, but I knew it was a roll of the dice of life going through with it too. I had my family and a few friends in my corner and I was prepared for this life change, so I thought...
The next day Feb 3, 2011 I had Cole take a few "before" photos of me. Taken almost an hour before Bill and I left for our journey to Peoria. The snowdrifts were nearly as tall as the truck in some places, but he assured me that the interstate would be clear and we would get there. We climbed in the four wheel drive truck and dropped off the boys and took off to Peoria. Saying bye to my boys was so emotional. Cole especially so, cause I had left him soooo much while I was pregnant, and here it was a year later and I was up and leaving him again. He was super excited for me to get healthy, so he was happy to see me go, but I was so scared and nervous that I had a hard time telling him goodbye. What if he never got to see me again? It could happen? Things happen all the time. I cried from the time we dropped them off to about Macomb. I was just so nervous. I was HAPPY, don't get me wrong. I was EXCITED as all get out, but deep down in my gut I had nerves.
What should have taken us 2 hours took us almost 4. We made a few stops along the way, and ended up getting into Peoria early evening. We checked into the Pierre Marquette Hotel and settled in for the night. I was on a clear liquid diet at this point. I had been for 5 days. I was pretty weak, and very very tired. I was constantly hungry. My poor tummy growled and gurgled like no other. I was sooo sick of JELLO and sooo sick of BROTH. It almost made me puke to consume it. Bill ordered a ruben sandwich from room service. I was happy that's what he ordered, I don't like rubens, so it was fine by me. I ordered a cup of hot water and mixed up some bullion in it and had a Jello cup. We watched the newest Saw movie off of Pay per view, I walked down to the lobby with Bill to smoke and then we tucked in for the night.
My back hurt to sleep in beds. I was up and down all night long. It didn't help that I had diarrhea because of the liquid diet, so I was up pooping all night long anyhow. It was finally done snowing. I stood at the window and looked out all night long. I didn't sleep much at all. I watched TV. Read some magazines, took a shower and scrubbed with antibacterial soap. (They say you're supposed to do that before major surgery) I was so happy when Bill woke up and was able to visit with me. It was a long night.
Bill asked me a zillion times if I was SURE I wanted to go through this. He said that he wouldn't get mad at all if I chose to back out. He was keeping my options open. I love that he trusted in me to make the decision and was going to be there for me no matter what I chose to do.
Feb 4, 2011 Surgery day... Mom, Grandma Trone and Carla Rodeffer all came up to Peoria to see me. They all took me to the hospital and we checked in. I had to get labs done and then prepped for surgery. They all waited in the waiting room and I had prep. Then 30 minutes before surgery, Dr. Marshall came in and checked in with us. I said my goodbyes to everyone and I was off to change my life.
They wheeled me through this back hallway that was deserted. It was narrow and dark, not very well lit. It seemed so gloomy there. I could tell we were in a basement of some sort? There were all these doors. They finally opened up a door and we went in. The room was so tiny to me. One whole wall was lined with carts and trays FULL of surgical instruments. Nothing but metal. It was unreal. Some lady was sitting there with a clip board counting all the instruments. Then there was this TINY table. They asked me to get up on it and put this wedge under me. I felt like I was going to fall off the table but they belted me in. They strapped down my arms out the sides of me and Dr. Marshall walked in. He asked if I was ready, I remember making some small talk and laughing. The anesthetist was super good looking, before in the prep room Carla Rodeffer, Mom and I were teasing Bill I was going to spend time with the good looking Dr. He just laughed. I remember he had the prettiest eyes. He looked at me and asked if I was ready to change my life and I said YES SIR, and Dr. Marshall said "sweet dreams" and that's all I remember.
I woke up in a room full of people talking. I couldn't open up my eyes much. They just wouldn't open. Mom, Bill, Grandma and Carla all came in to see me and I remember them showing me some presents they got me, but then they said they had to leave. They told me I was in the ICU and that they couldn't stay there with me. I remember wondering why I was in the ICU? I fell back to sleep. They left.
It was like 3 a.m. and I was wide awake finally. Monitors kept going off. It kept waking me up. Scaring me bad. I was not sure why, but I was having a freak out moment. The nurse was a witch. I asked to get out of bed. She looked at me like I was nuts. I demanded she get me out of that bed. She was pissy with me and went and got a male nurse. They told me that if I was going to get up, I had to use the "lift" I was like "no way" and they hooked me up to it and started to lift me. I screamed at them. They told me that I just needed to stay where I was at, I told them NO I was going to that damn chair over there and if they didn't help me get there then I was going to get up and go myself when they left the room. They were super not nice. Basically I was a pain in their ass, because it was the middle of the night and I wasn't supposed to be up and wanting out of bed. They didn't want to deal with me at all. I worked myself to a sit up position and sat on the edge of the bed. (this took about 20 mins) then I let my feet hit the floor. I finally stood up, on my own cause I wouldn't let them assholes touch me. They were rude to me. I walked over to the recliner and sat down. I felt so good to get out of bed. I asked for some ice chips. The mean nurse wouldn't let me have any. I told her I was going to throw up if she didn't get me something for my mouth. She came back with ice chips! I stayed in the chair from 4 a.m. till 8 a.m. and then they still wouldn't tell me why I was in the ICU. I kept asking they just told me my oxygen levels were dropping when I was sleeping so Dr wanted me watched closely. I recall hearing someone talk about blisters and a rash when I was half in and half out of sleep, but nobody would tell me anything? As far as I could tell I was fine? My pain was pretty intense. I made myself stand up and take a few steps every hour. By the time Dr came in at 9 am I was up pacing the room. He kicked me out to the surgical floor. He was pleased with my progress and told me he would be back that evening.
As they wheeled me out to the floor we met my entourage on the way. They were coming to see me! They settled me in a room. Everyone was talking and telling me what they did the day before. They had a million questions about how I felt. I finally figured out that I had went to the ICU because I had a severe allergic reaction to Levaquin, an antibiotic they gave me after surgery to prevent infection. I guess my whole trunk down broke out in red welt blisters, my oxygen levels started to drop, I was having trouble breathing from the swelling and rash. They gave me different drugs to counter act the reaction and put me on monitors to keep a very close eye on me.
Tiffany, Hannah and Maddox came to visit me too. They stayed with me while Mom, and Bill went to check out of the hotel. Bill was told he could stay with me in my hospital room and Mom, Carla and Grandma were going home for the day. We had a nice visit and they helped me get on the pot and pee for the first time! Bless their hearts and I am not sure why I even remember that, but they did!
Mom, Grandma, Carla and Bill came back. They said their goodbyes and left, Bill and I were left alone. They moved me across the hall to another room. It was much smaller and more cozy. Bill made me get up every hour or two and walk walk walk. He was like Hitler ordering me around all the time. I also had to pee a lot. All the IV fluids. They brought me my first meal tray. 2 shot glasses of jello and a shot glass of broth. I ate a few nibbles off the jello and was plum stuffed. It was crazy. I felt like I had eaten a HUGE thanksgiving feast and had only had a couple bites. Strange.
I ended up having to spend an extra day in the hospital. I was planning on coming home on Sunday, but my blood pressure wouldn't come down. All I knew was they were bringing me a cup with crushed up pills in it and I had to get them choked down 3 times a day. So I asked Dr to go over my medicines with me. He and I discovered they weren't giving me one of my MAJOR blood pressure medicines. So they gave that to me and my pressure came down right away. I was hurting pretty bad. I was in so much pain it was making me sick. He just didn't understand why I was hurting so bad and neither did I? He said I should be pain free with the amount of medicine he had ordered for me. They did some looking and turns out that all along they were only giving me 1/3 of the dose that I would have. I was allowed 30 mg and they only gave me 10 every 4 hours. I was pretty pissed that I had been so sore for so long and it really hurt to move so much, and I had been forcing myself to move and move through this pain. Bill couldn't understand why I didn't hurt much worse with my c section and how I was so much more pain with this surgery and it was a Lap surgery, not cut clear open across my tummy? Now we knew. The nice nurse that day gave me my FULL dose of medicine and within an hour I was in heaven. Dr. Marshall came back in, said since my pressure came down and I was pain free he was sending me home. Thank the lord.
We had the truck. The nurse sent us home with all kinds of tools. I had a pillow she sent home with me, I had spoons and pill crushers and shot wipes for my blood thinner injections and a puke bucket just in case. We took almost 4 hours to get home. It was a long slow ride. The roads weren't the best and to top it off my guts hurt so bad. I remember crying a LOT during that trip. Poor Bill, he tried to go slow tried to avoid bumps, and it just didn't help. I was in pain. I was so HAPPY to see my boys! I was so happy to be home.
The first month is such a blur to me. Thank goodness I blogged a lot. I can go back and read all that now and see how miserable and tired I was. That is why it was a blur. I had no energy what so ever. I had to sleep all the time. I couldn't be alone. Someone had to be there with me to help with Brody. Someone had to be there with me to remind me to wake up and take my medicines. Someone was there cooking for the boys, cleaning my house and keeping me functional. Someone had to remind me to eat, to drink and to walk walk walk. Thank the lord for Grandmas and Carla and my mother in law & my Mom. They all chipped in and took super good care of me. Bev kept the boys a lot. Jenny kept the boys too. It was such a group effort to keep us all in check that first month.
The second month I got a fire under my butt because it was finally official we were moving! I had to get up and get going and get to packing. I worked my butt off day and night and was so damn sick. I puked all the time. Not really puking, but urping. That's what I call it. It's not really puke when you don't produce much stomach acid and it doesn't taste like puke. It's just an urp. Nothing much stayed down and I ended up in the hospital for 2 days getting tanked up on fluids. That helped with the nausea and so I got back to work. Dr. Marshall was thrilled with my progress, but urging me to slow down to keep from getting so sick again.
By three months out eventually the severe vomiting stopped. We were in our new home and getting settled. I had a new found spark for life and energy to burn. I was gardening, and outside all the time. I was doing things with the boys that I had never had the energy to do before. I was finally getting my life back. I was so rambunctious I even fell off the patio and broke my arm! Worst summer ever, in a cast! Yuck!
From there things developed. By 6 months out I was looking for local support. I got the idea to make a local support group and checked with the PSG and Carthage Memorial Hospital and set it all up. This took 2 months of planning and organizing. I got it up and going and now we are a strong and supportive group. We are less structured than most groups, but it works for us and we all look forward to meeting up and getting together.
Now I am here, Feb 4th will be my 1 year mark. I am 10 lbs away from losing 200 lbs. I am shocked that I have accomplished so much in such a little time. My before pics shock me. I still see myself as that woman. I can't get used to the lady in the mirror now. It's only been a year and only a short few months have I seen this lady staring back at me. Things are shrinking, things are changing. I am still losing. I am 20 lbs away from my goal, give or take a few pounds. My weight has stayed pretty steady and slowly losing the last couple weeks. I've been so less active with my back pain, my kidney stone and all that, so I have been a drugged up couch potato. I hate it. I haven't gained any weight, but have only lost a couple pounds in the last month. Not a lot in the scheme of things what I have done so far, so this is frustrating me a lot. I am still shrinking in inches though, cause my clothes are getting baggier by the second. Without my belt my size 14's are falling off me. I am thinking I am heading for a size 12, but possibly a 10? I am waiting to see? Next time I go shopping I will have to try some stuff on!
This surgery is just a tool in my chest. If I don't work with my tool, it's not going to help fix me. I'm far from fixedthink I will ever be fixed. My body is doing one thing, but my head does another. They are pulling in two different directions right now. It's so crazy. I might still be shrinking, but my head is still stuck in fat mode. I still think like I'm fat. I am not sure when that will go away, if ever, but it's such a daily struggle. I have to work with this tool. I have to utilize every shred of information I get. My heart and soul has been poured into this 100%. I have forever dedicated my life to living in this new healthy way and using my body in ways I have only dreamed of before. Just because my body looks "fixed" I am not there yet. My brain and body are so far away from each other it's just a weird thing to have to go through alone. I am so happy I have an amazing support group of peers whom are struggling with the same things I am going through. It's such a nice thing to have them all so close and able to talk through all these weird emotions that nobody else can possibly understand.
I took a roll of the dice with this surgery. I know some people are so negative and still say this was the "easy way out" and I am "cheating" the diet by having surgery. I am so beyond that crap. I really don't care. I am just so happy that I am where I am today. I am happy that I have gone through everything I have to get to here. I love it here. I am in such an amazing place with my life right now. I wouldn't change a thing. I love being me. I love that I had the courage to take that step and go through with all of this. It hasn't been easy, by any means, but it's been WELL worth it all. I am so happy to be where I am today and I am so happy for all the loving and supportive people who have helped me get here. People say I've done all the work and they are proud of me, but honestly it takes a village to make our family work, and this year I've had so much help and so much love shown to us, that without all my supporters I NEVER could be where I am today.
My resolution this year was to let people know more how much I appreciate them. I have been really trying to make an effort to pay it forward with my success and let the world know how much I appreciate my "tool". Surgery is not for everyone. Surgery was my option. My chance to live. I took that chance, here I am and I am so ever grateful to wake up every day in this life. I appreciate that I've been given the chance to be here. I will grab on and take every second I get. I know I don't have it all quite figured out just yet, and this time next year, I still might not have it all figured out, but I will be HAPPY and HEALTHY each day from this day forward, trying to get a grip on it all.
Changes... I am so happy I was given the chance to change. I am still ME inside, the same old Mandy, you just might not recognize me on the outside. I still have a BIG heart, I don't think that will ever shrink, no matter how much weight I lose. God Bless you all for standing up next to me this past year. I am so grateful you are in my life, and I'm grateful to still be alive to share this past year with you. Now, on to year #2!!!!!
One year ago today I was packing bags. Bags for us to stay in the hospital, bags for the boys to go to Bev's. I was having such an emotional day. I was making sure I had plenty of liquid foods to eat to come home to. I was making sure I had my vitamins all ready and set for after surgery consumption. I was a nervous wreck. I was about to undergo a surgery that could possibly kill me. It happens. Would I even be coming home? I was hugging my boys tighter and enjoying every second with them, just in case I didn't come home. I was ready for the changes. I knew I would end up dying young if I didn't go through with this, but I knew it was a roll of the dice of life going through with it too. I had my family and a few friends in my corner and I was prepared for this life change, so I thought...
The next day Feb 3, 2011 I had Cole take a few "before" photos of me. Taken almost an hour before Bill and I left for our journey to Peoria. The snowdrifts were nearly as tall as the truck in some places, but he assured me that the interstate would be clear and we would get there. We climbed in the four wheel drive truck and dropped off the boys and took off to Peoria. Saying bye to my boys was so emotional. Cole especially so, cause I had left him soooo much while I was pregnant, and here it was a year later and I was up and leaving him again. He was super excited for me to get healthy, so he was happy to see me go, but I was so scared and nervous that I had a hard time telling him goodbye. What if he never got to see me again? It could happen? Things happen all the time. I cried from the time we dropped them off to about Macomb. I was just so nervous. I was HAPPY, don't get me wrong. I was EXCITED as all get out, but deep down in my gut I had nerves.
What should have taken us 2 hours took us almost 4. We made a few stops along the way, and ended up getting into Peoria early evening. We checked into the Pierre Marquette Hotel and settled in for the night. I was on a clear liquid diet at this point. I had been for 5 days. I was pretty weak, and very very tired. I was constantly hungry. My poor tummy growled and gurgled like no other. I was sooo sick of JELLO and sooo sick of BROTH. It almost made me puke to consume it. Bill ordered a ruben sandwich from room service. I was happy that's what he ordered, I don't like rubens, so it was fine by me. I ordered a cup of hot water and mixed up some bullion in it and had a Jello cup. We watched the newest Saw movie off of Pay per view, I walked down to the lobby with Bill to smoke and then we tucked in for the night.
My back hurt to sleep in beds. I was up and down all night long. It didn't help that I had diarrhea because of the liquid diet, so I was up pooping all night long anyhow. It was finally done snowing. I stood at the window and looked out all night long. I didn't sleep much at all. I watched TV. Read some magazines, took a shower and scrubbed with antibacterial soap. (They say you're supposed to do that before major surgery) I was so happy when Bill woke up and was able to visit with me. It was a long night.
Bill asked me a zillion times if I was SURE I wanted to go through this. He said that he wouldn't get mad at all if I chose to back out. He was keeping my options open. I love that he trusted in me to make the decision and was going to be there for me no matter what I chose to do.
Feb 4, 2011 Surgery day... Mom, Grandma Trone and Carla Rodeffer all came up to Peoria to see me. They all took me to the hospital and we checked in. I had to get labs done and then prepped for surgery. They all waited in the waiting room and I had prep. Then 30 minutes before surgery, Dr. Marshall came in and checked in with us. I said my goodbyes to everyone and I was off to change my life.
They wheeled me through this back hallway that was deserted. It was narrow and dark, not very well lit. It seemed so gloomy there. I could tell we were in a basement of some sort? There were all these doors. They finally opened up a door and we went in. The room was so tiny to me. One whole wall was lined with carts and trays FULL of surgical instruments. Nothing but metal. It was unreal. Some lady was sitting there with a clip board counting all the instruments. Then there was this TINY table. They asked me to get up on it and put this wedge under me. I felt like I was going to fall off the table but they belted me in. They strapped down my arms out the sides of me and Dr. Marshall walked in. He asked if I was ready, I remember making some small talk and laughing. The anesthetist was super good looking, before in the prep room Carla Rodeffer, Mom and I were teasing Bill I was going to spend time with the good looking Dr. He just laughed. I remember he had the prettiest eyes. He looked at me and asked if I was ready to change my life and I said YES SIR, and Dr. Marshall said "sweet dreams" and that's all I remember.
I woke up in a room full of people talking. I couldn't open up my eyes much. They just wouldn't open. Mom, Bill, Grandma and Carla all came in to see me and I remember them showing me some presents they got me, but then they said they had to leave. They told me I was in the ICU and that they couldn't stay there with me. I remember wondering why I was in the ICU? I fell back to sleep. They left.
It was like 3 a.m. and I was wide awake finally. Monitors kept going off. It kept waking me up. Scaring me bad. I was not sure why, but I was having a freak out moment. The nurse was a witch. I asked to get out of bed. She looked at me like I was nuts. I demanded she get me out of that bed. She was pissy with me and went and got a male nurse. They told me that if I was going to get up, I had to use the "lift" I was like "no way" and they hooked me up to it and started to lift me. I screamed at them. They told me that I just needed to stay where I was at, I told them NO I was going to that damn chair over there and if they didn't help me get there then I was going to get up and go myself when they left the room. They were super not nice. Basically I was a pain in their ass, because it was the middle of the night and I wasn't supposed to be up and wanting out of bed. They didn't want to deal with me at all. I worked myself to a sit up position and sat on the edge of the bed. (this took about 20 mins) then I let my feet hit the floor. I finally stood up, on my own cause I wouldn't let them assholes touch me. They were rude to me. I walked over to the recliner and sat down. I felt so good to get out of bed. I asked for some ice chips. The mean nurse wouldn't let me have any. I told her I was going to throw up if she didn't get me something for my mouth. She came back with ice chips! I stayed in the chair from 4 a.m. till 8 a.m. and then they still wouldn't tell me why I was in the ICU. I kept asking they just told me my oxygen levels were dropping when I was sleeping so Dr wanted me watched closely. I recall hearing someone talk about blisters and a rash when I was half in and half out of sleep, but nobody would tell me anything? As far as I could tell I was fine? My pain was pretty intense. I made myself stand up and take a few steps every hour. By the time Dr came in at 9 am I was up pacing the room. He kicked me out to the surgical floor. He was pleased with my progress and told me he would be back that evening.
As they wheeled me out to the floor we met my entourage on the way. They were coming to see me! They settled me in a room. Everyone was talking and telling me what they did the day before. They had a million questions about how I felt. I finally figured out that I had went to the ICU because I had a severe allergic reaction to Levaquin, an antibiotic they gave me after surgery to prevent infection. I guess my whole trunk down broke out in red welt blisters, my oxygen levels started to drop, I was having trouble breathing from the swelling and rash. They gave me different drugs to counter act the reaction and put me on monitors to keep a very close eye on me.
Tiffany, Hannah and Maddox came to visit me too. They stayed with me while Mom, and Bill went to check out of the hotel. Bill was told he could stay with me in my hospital room and Mom, Carla and Grandma were going home for the day. We had a nice visit and they helped me get on the pot and pee for the first time! Bless their hearts and I am not sure why I even remember that, but they did!
Mom, Grandma, Carla and Bill came back. They said their goodbyes and left, Bill and I were left alone. They moved me across the hall to another room. It was much smaller and more cozy. Bill made me get up every hour or two and walk walk walk. He was like Hitler ordering me around all the time. I also had to pee a lot. All the IV fluids. They brought me my first meal tray. 2 shot glasses of jello and a shot glass of broth. I ate a few nibbles off the jello and was plum stuffed. It was crazy. I felt like I had eaten a HUGE thanksgiving feast and had only had a couple bites. Strange.
I ended up having to spend an extra day in the hospital. I was planning on coming home on Sunday, but my blood pressure wouldn't come down. All I knew was they were bringing me a cup with crushed up pills in it and I had to get them choked down 3 times a day. So I asked Dr to go over my medicines with me. He and I discovered they weren't giving me one of my MAJOR blood pressure medicines. So they gave that to me and my pressure came down right away. I was hurting pretty bad. I was in so much pain it was making me sick. He just didn't understand why I was hurting so bad and neither did I? He said I should be pain free with the amount of medicine he had ordered for me. They did some looking and turns out that all along they were only giving me 1/3 of the dose that I would have. I was allowed 30 mg and they only gave me 10 every 4 hours. I was pretty pissed that I had been so sore for so long and it really hurt to move so much, and I had been forcing myself to move and move through this pain. Bill couldn't understand why I didn't hurt much worse with my c section and how I was so much more pain with this surgery and it was a Lap surgery, not cut clear open across my tummy? Now we knew. The nice nurse that day gave me my FULL dose of medicine and within an hour I was in heaven. Dr. Marshall came back in, said since my pressure came down and I was pain free he was sending me home. Thank the lord.
We had the truck. The nurse sent us home with all kinds of tools. I had a pillow she sent home with me, I had spoons and pill crushers and shot wipes for my blood thinner injections and a puke bucket just in case. We took almost 4 hours to get home. It was a long slow ride. The roads weren't the best and to top it off my guts hurt so bad. I remember crying a LOT during that trip. Poor Bill, he tried to go slow tried to avoid bumps, and it just didn't help. I was in pain. I was so HAPPY to see my boys! I was so happy to be home.
The first month is such a blur to me. Thank goodness I blogged a lot. I can go back and read all that now and see how miserable and tired I was. That is why it was a blur. I had no energy what so ever. I had to sleep all the time. I couldn't be alone. Someone had to be there with me to help with Brody. Someone had to be there with me to remind me to wake up and take my medicines. Someone was there cooking for the boys, cleaning my house and keeping me functional. Someone had to remind me to eat, to drink and to walk walk walk. Thank the lord for Grandmas and Carla and my mother in law & my Mom. They all chipped in and took super good care of me. Bev kept the boys a lot. Jenny kept the boys too. It was such a group effort to keep us all in check that first month.
The second month I got a fire under my butt because it was finally official we were moving! I had to get up and get going and get to packing. I worked my butt off day and night and was so damn sick. I puked all the time. Not really puking, but urping. That's what I call it. It's not really puke when you don't produce much stomach acid and it doesn't taste like puke. It's just an urp. Nothing much stayed down and I ended up in the hospital for 2 days getting tanked up on fluids. That helped with the nausea and so I got back to work. Dr. Marshall was thrilled with my progress, but urging me to slow down to keep from getting so sick again.
By three months out eventually the severe vomiting stopped. We were in our new home and getting settled. I had a new found spark for life and energy to burn. I was gardening, and outside all the time. I was doing things with the boys that I had never had the energy to do before. I was finally getting my life back. I was so rambunctious I even fell off the patio and broke my arm! Worst summer ever, in a cast! Yuck!
From there things developed. By 6 months out I was looking for local support. I got the idea to make a local support group and checked with the PSG and Carthage Memorial Hospital and set it all up. This took 2 months of planning and organizing. I got it up and going and now we are a strong and supportive group. We are less structured than most groups, but it works for us and we all look forward to meeting up and getting together.
Now I am here, Feb 4th will be my 1 year mark. I am 10 lbs away from losing 200 lbs. I am shocked that I have accomplished so much in such a little time. My before pics shock me. I still see myself as that woman. I can't get used to the lady in the mirror now. It's only been a year and only a short few months have I seen this lady staring back at me. Things are shrinking, things are changing. I am still losing. I am 20 lbs away from my goal, give or take a few pounds. My weight has stayed pretty steady and slowly losing the last couple weeks. I've been so less active with my back pain, my kidney stone and all that, so I have been a drugged up couch potato. I hate it. I haven't gained any weight, but have only lost a couple pounds in the last month. Not a lot in the scheme of things what I have done so far, so this is frustrating me a lot. I am still shrinking in inches though, cause my clothes are getting baggier by the second. Without my belt my size 14's are falling off me. I am thinking I am heading for a size 12, but possibly a 10? I am waiting to see? Next time I go shopping I will have to try some stuff on!
This surgery is just a tool in my chest. If I don't work with my tool, it's not going to help fix me. I'm far from fixedthink I will ever be fixed. My body is doing one thing, but my head does another. They are pulling in two different directions right now. It's so crazy. I might still be shrinking, but my head is still stuck in fat mode. I still think like I'm fat. I am not sure when that will go away, if ever, but it's such a daily struggle. I have to work with this tool. I have to utilize every shred of information I get. My heart and soul has been poured into this 100%. I have forever dedicated my life to living in this new healthy way and using my body in ways I have only dreamed of before. Just because my body looks "fixed" I am not there yet. My brain and body are so far away from each other it's just a weird thing to have to go through alone. I am so happy I have an amazing support group of peers whom are struggling with the same things I am going through. It's such a nice thing to have them all so close and able to talk through all these weird emotions that nobody else can possibly understand.
I took a roll of the dice with this surgery. I know some people are so negative and still say this was the "easy way out" and I am "cheating" the diet by having surgery. I am so beyond that crap. I really don't care. I am just so happy that I am where I am today. I am happy that I have gone through everything I have to get to here. I love it here. I am in such an amazing place with my life right now. I wouldn't change a thing. I love being me. I love that I had the courage to take that step and go through with all of this. It hasn't been easy, by any means, but it's been WELL worth it all. I am so happy to be where I am today and I am so happy for all the loving and supportive people who have helped me get here. People say I've done all the work and they are proud of me, but honestly it takes a village to make our family work, and this year I've had so much help and so much love shown to us, that without all my supporters I NEVER could be where I am today.
My resolution this year was to let people know more how much I appreciate them. I have been really trying to make an effort to pay it forward with my success and let the world know how much I appreciate my "tool". Surgery is not for everyone. Surgery was my option. My chance to live. I took that chance, here I am and I am so ever grateful to wake up every day in this life. I appreciate that I've been given the chance to be here. I will grab on and take every second I get. I know I don't have it all quite figured out just yet, and this time next year, I still might not have it all figured out, but I will be HAPPY and HEALTHY each day from this day forward, trying to get a grip on it all.
Changes... I am so happy I was given the chance to change. I am still ME inside, the same old Mandy, you just might not recognize me on the outside. I still have a BIG heart, I don't think that will ever shrink, no matter how much weight I lose. God Bless you all for standing up next to me this past year. I am so grateful you are in my life, and I'm grateful to still be alive to share this past year with you. Now, on to year #2!!!!!
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