One year ago today I was packing bags. Bags for us to stay in the hospital, bags for the boys to go to Bev's. I was having such an emotional day. I was making sure I had plenty of liquid foods to eat to come home to. I was making sure I had my vitamins all ready and set for after surgery consumption. I was a nervous wreck. I was about to undergo a surgery that could possibly kill me. It happens. Would I even be coming home? I was hugging my boys tighter and enjoying every second with them, just in case I didn't come home. I was ready for the changes. I knew I would end up dying young if I didn't go through with this, but I knew it was a roll of the dice of life going through with it too. I had my family and a few friends in my corner and I was prepared for this life change, so I thought...
The next day Feb 3, 2011 I had Cole take a few "before" photos of me. Taken almost an hour before Bill and I left for our journey to Peoria. The snowdrifts were nearly as tall as the truck in some places, but he assured me that the interstate would be clear and we would get there. We climbed in the four wheel drive truck and dropped off the boys and took off to Peoria. Saying bye to my boys was so emotional. Cole especially so, cause I had left him soooo much while I was pregnant, and here it was a year later and I was up and leaving him again. He was super excited for me to get healthy, so he was happy to see me go, but I was so scared and nervous that I had a hard time telling him goodbye. What if he never got to see me again? It could happen? Things happen all the time. I cried from the time we dropped them off to about Macomb. I was just so nervous. I was HAPPY, don't get me wrong. I was EXCITED as all get out, but deep down in my gut I had nerves.
What should have taken us 2 hours took us almost 4. We made a few stops along the way, and ended up getting into Peoria early evening. We checked into the Pierre Marquette Hotel and settled in for the night. I was on a clear liquid diet at this point. I had been for 5 days. I was pretty weak, and very very tired. I was constantly hungry. My poor tummy growled and gurgled like no other. I was sooo sick of JELLO and sooo sick of BROTH. It almost made me puke to consume it. Bill ordered a ruben sandwich from room service. I was happy that's what he ordered, I don't like rubens, so it was fine by me. I ordered a cup of hot water and mixed up some bullion in it and had a Jello cup. We watched the newest Saw movie off of Pay per view, I walked down to the lobby with Bill to smoke and then we tucked in for the night.
My back hurt to sleep in beds. I was up and down all night long. It didn't help that I had diarrhea because of the liquid diet, so I was up pooping all night long anyhow. It was finally done snowing. I stood at the window and looked out all night long. I didn't sleep much at all. I watched TV. Read some magazines, took a shower and scrubbed with antibacterial soap. (They say you're supposed to do that before major surgery) I was so happy when Bill woke up and was able to visit with me. It was a long night.
Bill asked me a zillion times if I was SURE I wanted to go through this. He said that he wouldn't get mad at all if I chose to back out. He was keeping my options open. I love that he trusted in me to make the decision and was going to be there for me no matter what I chose to do.
Feb 4, 2011 Surgery day... Mom, Grandma Trone and Carla Rodeffer all came up to Peoria to see me. They all took me to the hospital and we checked in. I had to get labs done and then prepped for surgery. They all waited in the waiting room and I had prep. Then 30 minutes before surgery, Dr. Marshall came in and checked in with us. I said my goodbyes to everyone and I was off to change my life.
They wheeled me through this back hallway that was deserted. It was narrow and dark, not very well lit. It seemed so gloomy there. I could tell we were in a basement of some sort? There were all these doors. They finally opened up a door and we went in. The room was so tiny to me. One whole wall was lined with carts and trays FULL of surgical instruments. Nothing but metal. It was unreal. Some lady was sitting there with a clip board counting all the instruments. Then there was this TINY table. They asked me to get up on it and put this wedge under me. I felt like I was going to fall off the table but they belted me in. They strapped down my arms out the sides of me and Dr. Marshall walked in. He asked if I was ready, I remember making some small talk and laughing. The anesthetist was super good looking, before in the prep room Carla Rodeffer, Mom and I were teasing Bill I was going to spend time with the good looking Dr. He just laughed. I remember he had the prettiest eyes. He looked at me and asked if I was ready to change my life and I said YES SIR, and Dr. Marshall said "sweet dreams" and that's all I remember.
I woke up in a room full of people talking. I couldn't open up my eyes much. They just wouldn't open. Mom, Bill, Grandma and Carla all came in to see me and I remember them showing me some presents they got me, but then they said they had to leave. They told me I was in the ICU and that they couldn't stay there with me. I remember wondering why I was in the ICU? I fell back to sleep. They left.
It was like 3 a.m. and I was wide awake finally. Monitors kept going off. It kept waking me up. Scaring me bad. I was not sure why, but I was having a freak out moment. The nurse was a witch. I asked to get out of bed. She looked at me like I was nuts. I demanded she get me out of that bed. She was pissy with me and went and got a male nurse. They told me that if I was going to get up, I had to use the "lift" I was like "no way" and they hooked me up to it and started to lift me. I screamed at them. They told me that I just needed to stay where I was at, I told them NO I was going to that damn chair over there and if they didn't help me get there then I was going to get up and go myself when they left the room. They were super not nice. Basically I was a pain in their ass, because it was the middle of the night and I wasn't supposed to be up and wanting out of bed. They didn't want to deal with me at all. I worked myself to a sit up position and sat on the edge of the bed. (this took about 20 mins) then I let my feet hit the floor. I finally stood up, on my own cause I wouldn't let them assholes touch me. They were rude to me. I walked over to the recliner and sat down. I felt so good to get out of bed. I asked for some ice chips. The mean nurse wouldn't let me have any. I told her I was going to throw up if she didn't get me something for my mouth. She came back with ice chips! I stayed in the chair from 4 a.m. till 8 a.m. and then they still wouldn't tell me why I was in the ICU. I kept asking they just told me my oxygen levels were dropping when I was sleeping so Dr wanted me watched closely. I recall hearing someone talk about blisters and a rash when I was half in and half out of sleep, but nobody would tell me anything? As far as I could tell I was fine? My pain was pretty intense. I made myself stand up and take a few steps every hour. By the time Dr came in at 9 am I was up pacing the room. He kicked me out to the surgical floor. He was pleased with my progress and told me he would be back that evening.
As they wheeled me out to the floor we met my entourage on the way. They were coming to see me! They settled me in a room. Everyone was talking and telling me what they did the day before. They had a million questions about how I felt. I finally figured out that I had went to the ICU because I had a severe allergic reaction to Levaquin, an antibiotic they gave me after surgery to prevent infection. I guess my whole trunk down broke out in red welt blisters, my oxygen levels started to drop, I was having trouble breathing from the swelling and rash. They gave me different drugs to counter act the reaction and put me on monitors to keep a very close eye on me.
Tiffany, Hannah and Maddox came to visit me too. They stayed with me while Mom, and Bill went to check out of the hotel. Bill was told he could stay with me in my hospital room and Mom, Carla and Grandma were going home for the day. We had a nice visit and they helped me get on the pot and pee for the first time! Bless their hearts and I am not sure why I even remember that, but they did!
Mom, Grandma, Carla and Bill came back. They said their goodbyes and left, Bill and I were left alone. They moved me across the hall to another room. It was much smaller and more cozy. Bill made me get up every hour or two and walk walk walk. He was like Hitler ordering me around all the time. I also had to pee a lot. All the IV fluids. They brought me my first meal tray. 2 shot glasses of jello and a shot glass of broth. I ate a few nibbles off the jello and was plum stuffed. It was crazy. I felt like I had eaten a HUGE thanksgiving feast and had only had a couple bites. Strange.
I ended up having to spend an extra day in the hospital. I was planning on coming home on Sunday, but my blood pressure wouldn't come down. All I knew was they were bringing me a cup with crushed up pills in it and I had to get them choked down 3 times a day. So I asked Dr to go over my medicines with me. He and I discovered they weren't giving me one of my MAJOR blood pressure medicines. So they gave that to me and my pressure came down right away. I was hurting pretty bad. I was in so much pain it was making me sick. He just didn't understand why I was hurting so bad and neither did I? He said I should be pain free with the amount of medicine he had ordered for me. They did some looking and turns out that all along they were only giving me 1/3 of the dose that I would have. I was allowed 30 mg and they only gave me 10 every 4 hours. I was pretty pissed that I had been so sore for so long and it really hurt to move so much, and I had been forcing myself to move and move through this pain. Bill couldn't understand why I didn't hurt much worse with my c section and how I was so much more pain with this surgery and it was a Lap surgery, not cut clear open across my tummy? Now we knew. The nice nurse that day gave me my FULL dose of medicine and within an hour I was in heaven. Dr. Marshall came back in, said since my pressure came down and I was pain free he was sending me home. Thank the lord.
We had the truck. The nurse sent us home with all kinds of tools. I had a pillow she sent home with me, I had spoons and pill crushers and shot wipes for my blood thinner injections and a puke bucket just in case. We took almost 4 hours to get home. It was a long slow ride. The roads weren't the best and to top it off my guts hurt so bad. I remember crying a LOT during that trip. Poor Bill, he tried to go slow tried to avoid bumps, and it just didn't help. I was in pain. I was so HAPPY to see my boys! I was so happy to be home.
The first month is such a blur to me. Thank goodness I blogged a lot. I can go back and read all that now and see how miserable and tired I was. That is why it was a blur. I had no energy what so ever. I had to sleep all the time. I couldn't be alone. Someone had to be there with me to help with Brody. Someone had to be there with me to remind me to wake up and take my medicines. Someone was there cooking for the boys, cleaning my house and keeping me functional. Someone had to remind me to eat, to drink and to walk walk walk. Thank the lord for Grandmas and Carla and my mother in law & my Mom. They all chipped in and took super good care of me. Bev kept the boys a lot. Jenny kept the boys too. It was such a group effort to keep us all in check that first month.
The second month I got a fire under my butt because it was finally official we were moving! I had to get up and get going and get to packing. I worked my butt off day and night and was so damn sick. I puked all the time. Not really puking, but urping. That's what I call it. It's not really puke when you don't produce much stomach acid and it doesn't taste like puke. It's just an urp. Nothing much stayed down and I ended up in the hospital for 2 days getting tanked up on fluids. That helped with the nausea and so I got back to work. Dr. Marshall was thrilled with my progress, but urging me to slow down to keep from getting so sick again.
By three months out eventually the severe vomiting stopped. We were in our new home and getting settled. I had a new found spark for life and energy to burn. I was gardening, and outside all the time. I was doing things with the boys that I had never had the energy to do before. I was finally getting my life back. I was so rambunctious I even fell off the patio and broke my arm! Worst summer ever, in a cast! Yuck!
From there things developed. By 6 months out I was looking for local support. I got the idea to make a local support group and checked with the PSG and Carthage Memorial Hospital and set it all up. This took 2 months of planning and organizing. I got it up and going and now we are a strong and supportive group. We are less structured than most groups, but it works for us and we all look forward to meeting up and getting together.
Now I am here, Feb 4th will be my 1 year mark. I am 10 lbs away from losing 200 lbs. I am shocked that I have accomplished so much in such a little time. My before pics shock me. I still see myself as that woman. I can't get used to the lady in the mirror now. It's only been a year and only a short few months have I seen this lady staring back at me. Things are shrinking, things are changing. I am still losing. I am 20 lbs away from my goal, give or take a few pounds. My weight has stayed pretty steady and slowly losing the last couple weeks. I've been so less active with my back pain, my kidney stone and all that, so I have been a drugged up couch potato. I hate it. I haven't gained any weight, but have only lost a couple pounds in the last month. Not a lot in the scheme of things what I have done so far, so this is frustrating me a lot. I am still shrinking in inches though, cause my clothes are getting baggier by the second. Without my belt my size 14's are falling off me. I am thinking I am heading for a size 12, but possibly a 10? I am waiting to see? Next time I go shopping I will have to try some stuff on!
This surgery is just a tool in my chest. If I don't work with my tool, it's not going to help fix me. I'm far from fixedthink I will ever be fixed. My body is doing one thing, but my head does another. They are pulling in two different directions right now. It's so crazy. I might still be shrinking, but my head is still stuck in fat mode. I still think like I'm fat. I am not sure when that will go away, if ever, but it's such a daily struggle. I have to work with this tool. I have to utilize every shred of information I get. My heart and soul has been poured into this 100%. I have forever dedicated my life to living in this new healthy way and using my body in ways I have only dreamed of before. Just because my body looks "fixed" I am not there yet. My brain and body are so far away from each other it's just a weird thing to have to go through alone. I am so happy I have an amazing support group of peers whom are struggling with the same things I am going through. It's such a nice thing to have them all so close and able to talk through all these weird emotions that nobody else can possibly understand.
I took a roll of the dice with this surgery. I know some people are so negative and still say this was the "easy way out" and I am "cheating" the diet by having surgery. I am so beyond that crap. I really don't care. I am just so happy that I am where I am today. I am happy that I have gone through everything I have to get to here. I love it here. I am in such an amazing place with my life right now. I wouldn't change a thing. I love being me. I love that I had the courage to take that step and go through with all of this. It hasn't been easy, by any means, but it's been WELL worth it all. I am so happy to be where I am today and I am so happy for all the loving and supportive people who have helped me get here. People say I've done all the work and they are proud of me, but honestly it takes a village to make our family work, and this year I've had so much help and so much love shown to us, that without all my supporters I NEVER could be where I am today.
My resolution this year was to let people know more how much I appreciate them. I have been really trying to make an effort to pay it forward with my success and let the world know how much I appreciate my "tool". Surgery is not for everyone. Surgery was my option. My chance to live. I took that chance, here I am and I am so ever grateful to wake up every day in this life. I appreciate that I've been given the chance to be here. I will grab on and take every second I get. I know I don't have it all quite figured out just yet, and this time next year, I still might not have it all figured out, but I will be HAPPY and HEALTHY each day from this day forward, trying to get a grip on it all.
Changes... I am so happy I was given the chance to change. I am still ME inside, the same old Mandy, you just might not recognize me on the outside. I still have a BIG heart, I don't think that will ever shrink, no matter how much weight I lose. God Bless you all for standing up next to me this past year. I am so grateful you are in my life, and I'm grateful to still be alive to share this past year with you. Now, on to year #2!!!!!
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