Our Holidays

We had a truly amazing Christmas.  It was so nice.  The boys got spoiled beyond rotten once again!  I must admit I got a bit spoiled too!  It took FOREVER to get everything home daily, unloaded out of the van, dishes from all the meals cleaned up, presents opened out of wrappers and boxes, and batteries inserted in things, and then delivered to the correct new "home" for them all.  At one point in time our kitchen and dining room table was overflowing with presents to sort, open and put away.  I finally managed to get it all totally organized yesterday and the very last of it all done and put up in place by yesterday morning.  It felt good to get it all finally sorted out.  The boys rooms are pretty clean. It makes me happy to have it all put up and no messes finally.

We are hosting a New years Eve game night here at our house.  Soups and finger snacks for all.  We can't wait to have lots of laughs and fun with our friends and family! 

Danny called on Christmas.  He sounded really good.  He was outdoors, which he LOVES and he had gotten to make a couple phone calls and wish people a Merry Christmas.  I am so happy it turned out Christmas was on his Sunday phone day!  I didn't hear from him Wednesday, so I am assuming they are on lock down because of the holidays and people taking time off work.  When they are short staff they lock down to keep everyone safe, but it sucks for us.  Finding out that his letters are getting to him about two weeks behind.  That makes me angry.  There are over 2,000 prisoners there, you can't tell me there aren't "SOME" that are decent enough to work in the mail room and help get them caught up and the mail on time to everyone.  It's sad.  Letters and mail are their only communication with the outside world.  It breaks my heart that he's so behind on things.  He mails us letters and they are usually here within 3 days, but once in awhile it takes 5 or 6 days.  Depends on how soon they get them sent out I guess?  He was supposed to get to go to the "store" and get more write outs and a few things before the first of the year.  If not, then the rumor is they won't get to the store at all again till Feb.  That will suck for a lot of them.  They have to buy their own TP and  toiletries and things and they should be allowed to go to the store at least once a month.  That's only fair.  There's just so much about this place that pisses me off to no end.  I realize it's not supposed to be a vacation, but I also think it's a tad ridiculous that they have to sleep with tp in their ears so the cockroaches don't get in their ears. (He mentioned the roaches, but didn't tell me this, I read this off of the prison talk website and one of the prisoners told his mom that's what they have to do there... gross)  Nice huh?  I also think it's not nice they only get one shower a week.  They also only get our of their cell for two 30 minute meals a day unless they are on lock down and then they are in their cell with their cellie for 24 hours a day.  Danny's cellie is a HUGE muscular guy who is in there for holding a woman hostage and abusing her and assaulting her.  He's been in prison for over 14 years so far.  He's gotten so depressed lately that Danny said he finally got on some Prozac and now all he does is sleep all day and when he is up, he's cranky and mean.  No fun.  I just hope that Danny can bite his tongue and ride this out till May when he can finally request a transfer.  I just keep praying for that transfer to be granted.  I've heard that if he is a model prisoner, they will WANT him out of there, and make room for the higher need prisoners.  They dont' want the good ones in there.  They want the bad ones in there so they can never let their guard down.  Praying he gets closer to home, especially for his brother and parents  and grandparents.  It would be so nice for them to get to visit him.  Right now it's scary to drive the over 4 hours there  and take the chance that something will happen and they will go on lock down and then no visitors when that happens.  It's sad.  You can't plan for anything.  It just makes me so sad for them all.   He misses his parents so bad and I know they too miss him. 

I get to go out with the girls tomorrow night for my belated birthday celebration.  We are going to Mexican for supper and then Karaoke at the Peacock.  Simple, but fun for us!  I can't wait.  I am looking forward to it.  I have been cooped up in this house with these kids all week long.  I am looking forward to a small break before the weekend!  I need it.  I am getting cabin fever and hate that.

I slept in bed all night long last night and didn't wake up once.  I paid for it today most of the day.  My damn back hurt so bad.  I couldn't move much till about 4 today.  I had ice on it and took some Tylenol and thought about taking a Vicodan but didn't want to be in a drug induced coma again today!  I love the way they relax me a bit, but hate the sleepiness and weird feeling I get when I take them.  I just feel funny!

Brody's had a croupy cough off and on this week.  He's had a green thick snot nose.  He's been on this bath kick lately.  Today he took 3 baths.  He will get bored, come out and ask me to change him and say "bath please" and so I strip him down, and plop him in the tub to play!  He will play in there for over an hour till the water gets so cold I don't know how he stands it?  He will holler "DONE" when he's all done and I go get him out and dressed and he's fine till he wants another Bath Please!  Yesterday he took 4 today was only 3.  He ought to be super clean!

Cole's been pretty good.  He's played a LOT of board games with me.  He also has a bunch of new Wii games from Christmas and so he's played that a lot and drew on his new dry erase board.  He's been really really good with Brody this Christmas break.  He's been super helpful with me too and doing a damn good job of keeping his room clean and his stuff put away and organized.  I keep after him every day at least once a day we do a room sweep and tidy up and then he's off playing again.  I think I might miss him when school starts back up! 

Well I better attempt to go to sleep.  Morning will be here before I know it and I have a lot of errands to run tomorrow and some soup to cook!  Getting things prepared for Sat night! I love game nights!!!

Cleaning Fairy, wrapping fairy!

What a morning so far!  It's almost 3 and I've gotten 5 loads of laundry washed, dried, folded, hung and put away.  I have the last load in the drier now.  I have cleaned out Cole's toy box, marked the "garage sale" stuff, pitched the rest and then cleaned out his desk, and closet, then we swept and mopped his room.  His room is spotless and ready for Christmas Presents to make their appearances.  He now has a clean canvas to put everything, and quite a bit more room after de cluttering the toy box and book shelves. 
I scrubbed down the bathroom, swept and mopped in there, and the hallways and kitchen too.  Then I swept the dining room, vacuumed the area rug, mopped the wood floors and then went on to vacuum the living room.  I mopped the entry way to the front door.  Then Brody decided to wake up.  I entered the "danger zone"  I went through his toy box.  Pitched some, marked the garage sale stuff and put everything back in place.  I swept, vacuumed the area rug and mopped his floor.  Then I put away the "garage sale" tote and took out the huge bag of trash from the bedrooms.  I then moved on to our room.  Swept, mopped and now I am taking a break!  It's been so productive.  I have been going non stop since 7:30 this morning.  I am so proud and happy that I got all this crap accomplished that I have had to put off since hurting my back.  I just went all out today.  Tomorrow I see the chiropractor in Kahoka again and then Friday I go see Jeff so if I screw it up bad, then I am covered after today!  I just wanted to get this shit all done up before Christmas got here.  It's been REALLY bugging me bad!  I hate all the filth.  I am happy to finally have it all done and looking sharp for the season!
Last night I made two HUGE pots of veggie soup.  I had a bunch of roast leftover for meat and wanted to get it used up, so I decided to get the soups made for Christmas with the Frakes and our New Years party.  I made it up and got it all in my storage containers and in the freezer.  That's one less thing I will have to do next week. 
Tomorrow I have to go to Kahoka, like I said.  I plan on taking presents and folding chairs into my moms while I go in and then I have my support group meeting from 6:30-8 p.m. tomorrow night.  Then I got to get home and get boys to bed and up first thing Friday morning for my appointment with Jeff.  Then we will head to Carthage.  We will be getting things ready for Christmas with Mom and Dennis Friday night!  It's also my birthday, so a little celebrating of that will be going on too I'm sure! 
Saturday neither of us have plans with either set of families, so we have decided to make our own little Christmas Eve dinner.  I have a turkey I am cooking and making home made stuffing, mashed taters and noodles.  Just a simple little family dinner with my boys.  I am looking forward to that.  We also got the boys an early gift to open that night, which is pajamas.  Then I got Cole a new game, so I thought after supper we could clean up and have a little family game night and then early to bed, cause Santa is coming! 
Christmas morning I always make cinnamon rolls.  I will get up and get them in the oven.  When they are cooking I will start getting the guys up.  We will do stockings while cinnamon rolls are finishing cooking, then we eat, then start in with the presents!  Cole is so excited.  I am so happy for him.  I remember the excitement of the season.  I remember it well.  I want to make such good memories for my boys, so I hope that we have started some traditions that stick with them growing up for their own families.  After gifts are open, then daddy usually hangs around, puts things together and then heads off to chore.  I get the boys dressed, loaded up for Grandma Jeans and we head out to Ferris.  We spend the day with Grandma Jean and have a blast.  The kids run around playing we eat a nice meal visit with everyone and then it's "game on" with Grandma or Gramps usually whooping our butts in Shit on your neighbor!  We spend the afternoon playing games, visiting, the kids playing and then we usually have leftovers and then head home for the day. 
The day after Christmas we have nothing to do, so the boys will get to put their things away, and play with their new stuff.  The 27th we have Christmas with the Frakes in at Jenny and Anna's house.  We won't go there till evening so we will have all day the 27th to enjoy our new things too, which will be fun for the boys.  I am hoping they both love their new things.  Santa was pretty good to them both this year.  I know some grandma's who have been pretty good to them too from what I hear, so I think they will both be pretty darned happy boys this next week!  Frakes' Christmas wraps up our holidays until New Years eve, when we are hosting a little game night at our house.  It's just soup, and finger snacky foods and then we will all play games and the kids can play.  It will be a fun night for all I hope! 
I still have a few presents to get wrapped up today.  I forgot one of Coles that I had hidden in my dresser drawer and then Bill's stuff needs wrapped that we bought on Sunday.  Other than that, I think we are pretty good and done with it all.
I have some pork chops thawed out that I have rubbed with some smoky applewood rub and plan on baking those tonight and then making up some scalloped taters for supper.  I am in the mood for some BBQ meat, so I thought pork chops sounded pretty darned good. 
Bill came home at lunch and got Cole to go help him at work today.  Cole was happy to go with his daddy!  He even got his long handles on and his rubber boots.  They must be planning on working pretty hard, there were even a hunt for his gloves!
I'm going to wrap the presents, and then work on my kitchen a bit.  Things could use some major wiping down in there.  It needs done.  I have some things I could go through and organize in my office too, so who knows what the rest of this day will bring, all I know is, it's been super productive and I am happy I was able to get it all done so far!  I will enjoy the season MUCH MUCH better with a clean slate!
Well time to go load up the van for tomorrow and hunt for the wrapping fairy again... I don't know why she keeps leaving, I just keep dragging her back here!

Ho ho ho...

My oh my, I really screwed my back up this week.  I was hurting so bad, I had to call in to the Dr.  Crying my eyes out Wednesday morning because I couldn't take it anymore.  He got me right in, and gave me a Toradol shot and send me home on Vicodan.  I am very limited as to what I can take because of my new stomach, and meds causing ulcers are not an option.  I got a bit of relief from that first shot on Wed, and set up an appointment in Kahoka at Dr. Kirshners office on Thursday and Jeff set me up with a series of three Toradol shots for the pain.  I went back to Jeff for another shot on Thurs, then in the afternoon went to Kahoka for a treatment at the chiropractor.  It was well worth the trip.  They are fairly positive that I have a sprained ligament in my lower back, right behind my butt dimple, and it is causing me all this pain and muscle spasms.  Of course my back was out of place in a few places also.  With all this weight loss things just aren't toned up and lined up like they should be.  I am walking and moving totally different than I normally have been, so it's throwing things out of whack.  Kind of like when I got pregnant and would have to go to the chiropractor throughout my pregnancies because of walking different.  I am so sick of sleeping in this recliner just so I don't hurt and hope like hell that these treatments and this wonderful traction belt I have to wear will keep me from sleeping in the chair all the time.  I hope to keep doing my therapy exercises and get my back toned up and fit so it will stay in place on it's own and I will quit spraining that ligament.  All I know is it hurts so bad.  Worse than any pain I've ever felt and I hate it.  Between the spasms and pain I couldn't get comfortable at all, and couldn't sit still.  I was not sleeping because I hurt so bad and the pain meds wiped me out where I was worthless all week long. 

We are preparing for the Christmas season around here.  Tonight we went out to Jeremy and Cassie's for supper.  She made some yummy lasagna and the kids exchanged their gifts.  Cole got a transformer remote control car which he LOVES and Brody got some mega building blocks that are like leggos for toddlers.  He is sooo into blocks and things now, so he LOVES that gift a lot!  The kids had a ball playing, all except for Brody, who can't be nice.  He's such a little butt.  He can't share at all and tattles already!  Makes me so mad.  I hope he grows out of this fast, or his preschool teacher will HATE him come next year!  He's such a cry baby.  He's fine as long as people leave him alone and let him do his own thing, but Ally wanted to play with him and he doesn't want to socialize so he's fussy and mean.  He doesn't play well with others unless he's the one initiating the playing.  He is a loner and would rather do his own thing and be left alone, but other kids don't get that.  They want to play and he's just not normal, he doesn't.  Plus it doesn't help that he's here alone with me all day every day and is by himself.  He doesn't really know how to interact with other kids much.  Makes me wonder if I ought to see about babysitting some kids here or something to get him used to kids?  It would be something I could do from home and still be able to jump and run for Bill if I had to.  Kids always like car rides!  We might have to talk about that.  I need something to make him get with other kids and like it!

Our cookie and candy day was a super success last weekend.  We sure spent the whole day baking!  The oven was FULL from 9 a.m. till 4 pm when we took the last batch out of the oven.  We had three 6 foot tables covered in frosted sugar cookies and my deep freeze was covered with cookies and candy too.  Then my shelves were stacked high with candy and so were a few folding chairs.  My garage smelled like a bakery all week!  Yum.  I was able to make up a goodie tray for Diane and Randy and the mail man Ray and the ladies at the Dr's office and Jerry and Donna Payne.  I took a try out to Beth and Tim and the boys and we are still trying to eat up our cookies here at home that we have.  There was plenty and they were good!

Today we are going to Quincy to shop.  Bill is picking out his Christmas presents and I am finishing up on my groceries for the holidays.  I have a few things I need to get for the meals we will be attending.  It's going to be a fun family day for us all.  We haven't spent a nice day together in a LONG time, so it should be FUN!

Tuesday's Coles Christmas party at school. I am in charge of games and so I got to come up with something fun for the kids to do.  Hummmm... better put on my thinking cap for this one! 

I am so excited for the holidays to be here.  I can't wait to celebrate with everyone.  It's going to be a fun stress free year.  I just can't wait to enjoy it all and soak it all in.  I love my family.

Cookie Day...

I am working on finishing up all my Christmas stuff.  I just found out we don't have to host any Christmas family events at our house this year, Jenny wants to host at her and Anna's house, so that means an easier holiday for us.  I am waiting on the last of the mail ordered gifts to trickle in over the next few days so I can wrap up my final things and be DONE.  Looking forward to that BIG FINISH!

This Saturday is our annual cookie bake.  We've skipped a few years... ummm like 8 cause of bad traditions of people dying each year we did it, so this year we are hoping to get past the 7 year curse and really start another fun family tradition.  Everyone is bringing cookie dough and we are doing cut out cookies different candies of their choice.  Then when we are all done we share and everyone takes a bit of everything home, and LOTS of cut out sugar iced cookies of course!  It will be a fun fun day for us all.  Lots of laughs and memories.  I'm looking forward to it!

I am so sore today.  I slept most of the night in bed and that tends to KILL my back.  I am hurting bad.  I go see Jeff on Monday and I am going to tell him about all these issues I've been having.  I know it's because I've lost weight and am more active, but I shouldn't have to live with this chronic pain daily.  It sucks not sleeping in the same bed as my husband.  It really makes me sad.  I hurt so bad in my back, down my leg and through my butt cheeks.  I should have taken care of this years ago, but being fat and less active it didn't hurt every day, I babied it, now that I am up doing more it's so painful.  I hate being in pain till at least noon daily.  It ruins my mornings when I can't even bend over and get something I drop.  Some days I can't even pick Brody up out of bed and it scares me bad.  I do the stretches and exercises I learned through therapy, but they aren't helping at all.  I just want this fixed NOW.  I have a new lease on life and there's no excuses for being lazy, I can't let this get me down daily.  It's going to sabotage everything I have worked so hard to achieve at this point.  I'd rather go through childbirth than suffer with this back pain every day.  I'd rather give birth once a day than deal with this crippling pain.  It's awful.  The spasms and the shooting sharp pain.  The ache and the hurt.  I am soooo OVER IT!

Tonight is Cole's Christmas program at school.  Today I plan on getting groceries for our cookie day.  I am picking up the final things and getting ready for the weekend.  It's going to be a busy day.  I am not looking forward to driving in this snow though.  Ugh. 

Well here I go... bacon's on for breakfast and I gotta get Cole out of bed. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!!!  It's a wonderful life!  This week has been AMAZING so far!  The Agnews are here and joining us for the holiday.  We have had so much fun seeing them all and getting to visit and the kids have played.  Last night we had 2 little girls in the house, which was strange for us, but I loved every minute of it!  Tonight we have one little girl and I love it too!  They are taking turns spending the night with Cole!  He loves the girls.  They all play so well together.  I am so happy they are here. 

We had a HUGE HUGE lunch today.  All of our family and a few friends came to join us and there was more food than we know what to do with.  Looks like leftovers will be eaten the rest of the weekend.  Not a problem at all!  NO COOKING!!!  We've done enough these last few days for sure!

Tomorrow is our traditional breakfast at Ma & Pas cafe.  Trudy is looking forward to seeing Brenda for breakfast.  She will FLIP out on her too with all her weight loss!  Brenda had surgery 3 days after me and she had the gastric sleeve.  She as of last update has lost 155 lbs.  She looks fantastic!  I am so proud of her!  I am looking forward to my harold tomorrow... it's my tradition and I can't wait to dig in to it!  Maybe I can have a half a harold??  ha ha ha! 

I am down 185 lbs... not sure if I've posted that detail lately?  I feel AMAZING.  The holiday wasn't an issue.  I ate a plate of food, a tiny plate of food, but a plate none the less.  I had a bit of everything I wanted to try.  It may have taken me all day long to get in a bit of everything, but I managed.  I didn't over eat, I stopped when I was full and I even had a bite of pecan pie, a bite of pumpkin pie and lots of TURKEY!!!!  I am a bit pissy because I was just at Walmart the other day and yesterday my scale battery DIED.  No warning, it just died.  So now I only have my OLD bathroom dial scale, not my digital one to weigh on, which sucks because I am steady and used to weighing in on my digital one.  It's been the one I weigh in on since surgery.  Okay so  I guess I should post my main goal I have sailed past... I AM NOW SMALLER THAN BILL!!!  Ha ha.  To most people this wouldn't matter, but I've never been smaller than him.  When we got together I was smaller, but so was he, he was like 160 lbs soaking wet!  Now he's fluffier and I am SMALLER than he is.  This excites me.  I told Dr. Marshall I wanted to be smaller than my husband and he said I would be, I never thought it would be this fast!!  WOW!!!  I love the new me!  I only have like 25-30 lbs to get to my goal, but Dr Marshall thinks I will get even lower than that?  I have about 9 more months of weight loss left on this "window".  I could bottom out at any point now, but they claim you will steadily lose for at least 18 mos after surgery if you follow the diet and exercise and I am doing all that, so I am continuing to lose.   I am happy to be this close to my goal, but I NEVER thought I would be this small.  I still don't recognize myself.  I shock myself every time I walk past a mirror.  I am wearing size 14 pants now, and they are getting too big.  I am going to have to wear belts with them now, or bump down to a size 12.  This is crazy.  Just NUTS to me.  SIZE 12... WHAT THE HELL!!!!  I think I wore a 12 when I was like 10??  ha ha.. No really I don't know, but it's been years and years.  I don't even really remember wearing 12's???  I can wear a size XL-Lg shirts now.  I am in a Lg coat, and could wear a medium, but I don't like my coats that snug, I'd rather have a baggier coat.  I am so thrilled with myself daily! 

My hair is growing back.  It's funny looking little wispy hairs behind my ears the nape of my neck and sprouting in my part line.  It's great it's coming back in, but it's funny as hell looking where it's coming back in when I have my hair up in a pony tail!  Strange for sure!

Well, we are so thankful for all that we have in our lives.  We are truly blessed and I am so happy that we have each other and these dear family and friends to celebrate these holiday with.  I love my life!!!! 

Spinning...

I've finally surpassed the 180 lb lost mark.  I am so thrilled about this.  I am like one more pound until I am smaller than Bill!  He got me an XL Kruger coat for this winter and I had to put it back in his stash and take out a large one!  Woooo HOOOOO!!!  This makes me HAPPY! 

I am really super thankful for the opportunity to have been given this surgery and this tool to help me in my life.  I will be thankful everyday for the gift that Dr. Marshall has given me.  I really am making a devoted effort to pay it forward in every way I can.  If I can help just one person in this world overcome the burden of weight like I have, I will feel like I've done well. 

Today is my Pampered Chef Party date.  I am hoping that people show up.  You just never know about these things.  I can never tell?   I just really want this deep dish baker from Bill for my Christmas.  I am working hard to earn that item!!

I am so tired today.  I need to get my rear in gear and get going.  I need to shower and pack up the final things to take to town.  I hope I don't forget anything!

I am so not ready for this hustle and bustle of these holidays!  I have so much to do in so little of time.  I hope I can get it all accomplished and done.  I am good and almost done shopping though.  Just a few odds and ends left to get.  Thank goodness. 

I hope I can keep it all organized in my head.  There's a lot to do.  Thanksgiving Dinner, Polar Express, Weekend get away with my Besties, Christmas Cookie bake, My Birthday, Christmas events... it's getting crazy and time is slipping away by the second... wow.

I am so happy and excited for it all, but not ready for it all to get here just yet.  I need a pause button for a few days!  That's all I need a couple solid days and I can get somewhat caught up on things.  That's what my plan is this week.  Mon-Wed I want to get stuff caught up. 

For now I am off... Gotta get to town and get finished up for things for the party.  Have a lovely day everyone... I know I will!!!!

WOW

It's been a super busy productive couple weeks and more to come I'm sure.  I FINALLY got all done Christmas shopping online tonight.  I have one item on ebay for Cole that I am bidding on and hope that I can win.  I finished up tonight with the boys and Keith and even got Cole a gift from Grandma picked out.  She always celebrates with us so she buys for the boys when she comes.  Not necessary, but she feels like she needs to, so I found a $15 board game Cole really wanted and ordered it for her for him.  Free shipping cause I spent a ton so that worked out nicely!  I am so happy! 

Well I am officially down 175 lbs.  I am ONE pound away from 180 every morning the last couple days, but it's that time of the month, so my weight loss always stalls for a few days then will take the BIG plunge and I might just lose down to 185 lbs... it happens that fast with me sometimes.  Last week I lost 3 lbs.  It was shocking since I've only been losing about a pound a week lately.  Not that I mind.  I am so close to my goal.  I know I will get there!  Here are my before and after photos, with my most recent shots...

Now the side shots... SHOCKING!!!!

I feel like a million bucks, most days... today I ate some subway and within a half hour I had the craps and my tummy hurt so bad.  Not sure if it was the lettuce or fresh veggies or what?  I just hurt bad for about 2 hours and then I was fine.  Weird. 

I made some amazing meat loaf tonight for supper.  It was pretty darned fabulous.  I also made baked sweet taters and some fresh pineapple.  It was pretty awesome.

My pampered chef party is on Thursday.  I hope I have a good turn out.  I just want my monthly special, it's what I'm making Bill buy me for Christmas!  The Deep Dish Baker.  I can't wait!  I want it so bad.  I'm making my home made spaghetti sauce tomorrow for the party, it's better if you make it, let it sit a day or two and then re heat it up, it has such wonderful flavor.  I am also making crusty french bread and some awesome dipping sauces for it.  Then I am having fresh veggies and a couple awesome Pampered Chef Dips.  I am making a dessert pizza for dessert too.  YUM YUM.  Can't wait.  Going to be a fun night of full bellies! 

I spent some time tonight getting Danny's Biggest Loser recap all typed up for him, and printing off the online recap.  I like to make up my own though, cause I like to comment on things that happen and we both like the same people and hate the same people so I know he LOVES my commentary!  ha ha.  I mailed him out The Help book today.  He should get it in a few days.  I hope he likes it.  I loved it.  Can't wait to see the movie.

I have been soooo behind on my DVR.  I just can't sit still to watch it.  I am needing a day of TV but can't sit here long enough to get that done.  I get started on something and then jump up and go off and get busy doing something else and just can't seem to get too interested in programs, even my favorites.  I had to delete some shows last night to clear up some space.  Tonight I have been skipping through all my Days of Our Lives ( I had 14 on here)  I am skipping over the boring parts and only watching the good interesting stuff.  I only have 5 left to see.  Yeah me!!  That's lots of skipping!!!

Well Bill's home.  Time for me to heat up his supper and go to bed.  I am pooped and 6 a.m. comes tooo darned early!

Time change... everything changes.. Really?

Oh yeah, the time change... I think it has us all a bit messed up.  Cole came out at 7 asking if it was time for him to go to bed.  Here it is 2:30 a.m. and I've been up an hour now because I was sleeping soundly and then hear all this noise... bam bam bam bam bam and I jump out of bed wondering what the hell is going on?  It sounded like someone banging on our doors?  I get up and go investigate and don't have to go far.  It's BRODY CHARLES jumping up and down in his crib lauging his ass off dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba on TV.  Ugh I could scream.  Scared the shit out of me for sure.  I got him a fresh jug of milk, changed his diaper which had a few turds in it, so I'm grateful he woke me up or he'd have had a major rash come morning, plus he was soaked.  I told him it was late and he needed to go night night.  He took his jug and laid down and just smiled at me.  I tucked him in, handed him his bear and he just looks up, smiles and says "bear, mommy, bear" and I said "yes Bear, now go night night baby, it's late" and he rolled over to go back to sleep.  So I thought... then 20 minutes later he's back at kicking his feet on the mattress, jumping up and down and screeching so loud he's going to wake the entire house up.  I swear, this time change has us all out of sorts.  I'm wide awake now.  Ugh

So I've been dubbed "Rachel" by my husband as in Rachel Ray for the week.  I mastered the oven roasted brisket, mastered the Dijon mustard and herb half a pork loin and today I mastered the coke and brown sugar bacon wrapped pork loin.  He has been so pleased with my culinary efforts that he's actually put on a few pounds this week.  Eeeek!  Tonight I took a pic of him sitting in his recliner looking like he's 9 mos pregnant!  His guts were HUGE after he ate his supper.  I would have posted it too, however it took me a few seconds to realize he was sitting there in his t shirt and underwear fresh out of the shower and I doubt the world needed to see those white legs, or whitey tighties either!  He's saying he's going on a diet, but I don't see it happening anytime too soon.  He enjoys eating too much at supper for that business!  Plus... I have 7 more lbs to catch up to him and I will officially weigh less than he does!  I told him that I have plans for that... I'm going to feed him more and I will eat less and hopefully here in a week or two I will blow him out of the water! 

I can finally button up a LARGE shirt.  I'm not saying it looks flattering on me yet, but I can get it on.  I can fit my fat arms into it and I can actually bring the snaps together and button the entire thing up!  This just amazes me like no other.  I am so happy!  Now, XL is more my style for now, and more comfy and roomy the way I like it, but large is on the realm of possibilities and it makes me so proud.  I can not tell you the last time I could get a large anything on my body?  Grade school maybe?  I think in like 6th grade I was in XL clothing.  I know I was wearing a 16-18 in 6th grade.  I wore that size from then on through HS.  Wow.  I am officially down 173 lbs now.  I'd say 175 but I seem to bounce around a few days before I break the "barrier" and I don't officially like to post that I've hit a certain 5 lb mark until I've surpassed it and know there's no going back!  That's just my preference. 

Oh what a joyous 9 month ride it's been.  Yep, I've been post op for exactly 9 months and 3 days.  Long enough to make a baby!  I've lost a whole grown human in that time.  It's such a roller coaster.  I just can't even get my own head wrapped around it most days.  I try to, but every time I pass a mirror, and I can totally thank my husband for putting MIRRORED shower doors on the bathroom shower, so I have to pass those full body mirrors every flipping time I gotta go use the potty!  I just amaze myself to see myself.  I don't expect at all what I see looking back at me.  9 months is such a short time to go through so many body changes when I've lived so large my whole life.  I have went 30 years "big" and now I am smaller and I just can't seem to accept it yet.  I hear every single day how beautiful I look, how skinny I look, how amazing I am to people who haven't seen me in ages, but I tell you what... the biggest shock is how much I AMAZE myself!  It's just unreal the way I feel.  I have all this energy and I can't seem to get rid of it.  I just want to go go go all the time.  I get up and get things going for the day.  I never know what little chore or task I will end up tackling for the day.  I just do and do and do!  I am like the energizer bunny.  I can't even get caught up on my darned DVR recorded shows.  I am so behind.  I start watching something and end up getting up and getting busy doing something else.  My house is so clean all the time, which I LOVE, but it's strange to feel so good to have the energy to take care of it all and not get tuckered out.  I also have energy to cook and play with the kids and help Bill when he needs it.  It just seems so non stop.  I love it.  I love the new me.  I am so happy now.  I always thought I was a happy person before.  I was mentally happy I guess, but physically I was a morbidly obese person living with a "happy" frame of mind.  I was a sad sad girl, who didn't know what the hell happy was.  It makes me so sick to think of all these years I've wasted being fat.  How many things I've not done, or refused to even think about doing because of my weight.  How many things I have been scared to try, scared to do or even attempt.  I will not let weight hold me prisoner for one more second of my life.  I realize I will never be small.  I am always going to be bigger than most.  I can deal with that part, I just want to look normal.  I want to be able to walk in the room and know I am NOT the biggest one in there, even with a room full of BIG men!  Yep, I have spent way too much time being HUGE.  It's nice to be somewhat normal now and blend in.  Other than the red hair, I guess I just don't stand out much anymore and I LOVE it! 

Some people are genuinely happy for me. Those people have been there for me through it all.  They've called, sent texts, emails and facebooked me messages checking up on me from day one.  I have supporters and friends I never knew cared so much that truly do.  My family and Bill's family have been BLESSINGS to us.  On days when I couldn't get my ass up out of the chair and move because I was to weak and tired and sore, they were there to support me.  When work needed to get done on this house and I couldn't stop puking every 5 minutes, they were here to keep my kids, help lift a paint brush, help me get this place ready to move into.  Then there was the packing and moving and sickness and all wrapped up into a crazy time.  They were all there helping me every step of the way.  I get that most people going through this major life change wouldn't have taken on so much work right after surgery, but we had goals and plans with life and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way for our future happiness and home.  We managed.  Day by day, week by week, hour by hour we seemed to get by and without the support of them all it NEVER would have happened at all. 

What a ride this must have been for Cole.  He's been through so much these last few years.  I know my pregnancies with our baby we lost and then Brody really took a toll on his little heart.  He was so worried about mom, and babies and he never knew day to day where in the world he would be.  I felt so bad for him.  I was in and out of the hospital all the time and on bed rest and what a boring life I must have given him!  Not to mention not knowing where he would be staying, or who he would be with because Mommy was locked up in a hospital someplace again.  Then to ice the cake even more I go in for ELECTIVE surgery.  He had to watch me in pain from that.  He knew it would help make me skinny, he gets what is happening to me, but he's still my ornery boy who last week looked up at our family picture and says "mom, look how big you were there, you had gobblers"  ha ha ha.  What are Gobblers?  I asked him and so he climbs up on the couch and points up to the photo and says "see here your gobblers are so big"  he was referring to my CHEEKS on my face!  What a sweet little boy!  Then he proceeds to tell me how skinny my legs are now compared to then.  I pretty much had to tell him my whole body is skinnier now compared to then!  He agreed and said he's happy for me.  I love that kid!

We've been on a mission for a cleaner room.  He is such a damn hoarder.  I swear he could make the show if I'd just let him accumulate for more than a few months, his room would make the directors cut of the hit series hoarders!  Papers and gadgets and toys and trash and filth.  Scraps of papers, wrappers, dirty clothes, where does it all come from?  It's shoved in book shelves, desk drawers, toy boxes... the closet floor.  Ugh.  The day after Halloween we took task to starting in on his bedroom the second he got off the school bus and had a snack.  We went through every flipping nook and cranny and cleaned.  We ended up with a trash bag of trash, a laundry basket with dirty clothes and a much much cleaner and organized room.  Now, he's been warned that I find ONE single sucker stick, candy wrapper or scrap of dirty clothes on the floor he's getting his TV, and DVD player and Wii taken away.  No DS, No NOTHING but books and homework.  If he can't learn to appreciate what he has, then he doesn't deserve it at all.  With Christmas coming soon, I wanted to get him in the habit of cleaning every day.  I want it picked up each night before bed.  I want it kept clean.  I know this is a tall order, especially for a boy, but he's 8 and if I don't crack the whip now, he could get out of hand soon!  I just got hard on him and hope he keeps this up.  So far it's been almost a week and it's still clean, even having company for 2 days this weekend he kept it clean!  Proudness just beams from this mommy... for now!

Brody's been keeping to his room lately.  He gets all sorts of hateful when Cole goes in there and I can see why.  Cole shuts him out of his room all the time, so why shouldn't he be mean to Cole and keep him out of his room.  Tonight I was changing him on the changing table and Cole came in his room.  Brody says "Cole... ROOM" and points to the door.  Like he's telling him " Cole get out of my room"   just like Cole tells Brody "stay out of my room!"  it was so flipping cute.  Now he's decided he knows what he likes to watch and what he doesn't.  If something comes on he hates, he comes out and says "mom TV" and points to his room.  I go change the channel and he says "thank you" and starts playing with his toys again!  He is not a fan of spongebob.  I think he scares him!  I don't much like him either.  He is also not a fan of Diego.  Don't know why?  He just always wants the TV changed when those two come on.  He's getting such an expanded vocabulary finally.  He's starting to repeat many things.  Even when you ask him to now, he might just surprise you and repeat things.  It's cute.  He LOVES looking at pictures on the computer and saying who each person it.  LOVES it!  He loves going through our phone pictures and pointing out people too.  He thinks he's so smart and he will just laugh and laugh when he gets it right!  Funny.  His new favorite phrase "where Cole AT?"  he puts a lot of phrase on the AT part!  I get so sick of telling him at school, cause that's usually where he's at.  Tonight when he asked I said "in his room" and so he was walking around saying "cole at  room"  then he'd put his finger up to his mouth and go "shhhhh, night night! "  it was so cute. 

Bill's so pleased with the way the fall ground is working up.  We had an amazing harvest this year with few break downs and not a lot of wet or muddy mess to put up with.  That's awesome.  We started watching this new show on the history channel called Harvest.  It's about these custom harvesters who make their living going farm to farm harvesting their crops.  That's all they do.  Then they take 5 months off and go at it again.  So basically it's following them around on these "assignments" to different farms and different conditions.  There have been flooding, fires, and breakdowns.  It's so funny to hear the commentator and the dramatic music... da da dammmm... it really makes for a dramatic show!  Bill and I agreed he really needs that deep voiced commentator to follow him around daily with the background suspense music to make his job seem a lot more dramatic and interesting!  It's funny how they can take an everyday job like farming, which is our way of life, but so unknown to others and make a hit tv show off of it!  Cracks me up.  If my Grandpa Trone was still alive I know he''d be watching that show too.  He got into all those farming and horse and cow shows. 

I don't know why in the heck I can't sleep?  I am so screwed up.  I have a Dr apt tomorrow morning at 10 with Jeff.  I got to get checked for my blood pressure and see how the medicine is treating me since we changed it up.  I am taking half a dose in the morning and half the dose in the evenings now, since my digestion is so different and so is my absorption.  My pressures were coming up in the evenings and we figured it was because I had passed my medicines already and was working with a big fat nothing in my system.  I switched to half doses twice a day and my pressures here at home have been just fine.  This makes me happy.  I am going to talk to him about migraines.  I think I've had a few in the last few months and they are making me so sick.  I need to know if there's anything he can get me that I can take that will help with the pain and nausea that isn't going to cause ulcers or rot my guts.  This is such an issue now, since surgery.  I can't take alieve or motrin products now.  Ulcers can form and I can get really sick if I take them.  So I am stuck with Benadryl and Tylenol cocktails and they really didn't help much the other night.  I was seeing hazy colors and my head was throbbing and sensitive to light and then started puking from the pain and dizziness.  It's awful.  I put ice on my neck and back of my head, then took the cocktail and then laid down in the pitch black bedroom and got undressed and laid in front of the fan with a wet washcloth on my head and the ceiling fan and my fan blowing on me.  It was just awful pain.  All day Saturday I had the "aftershocks" of pain.  My head still hurt, but wasn't so intense and then Sunday I just had the "hangover" feeling like the headache was there but is gone now.  It's weird.  This has happened about a month ago or so and now again.  I hate it.  It's totally ruined my days.  There's nothing you can do when it hits.  I am wondering if there's something he can give me to ward it off?  It just makes me so sick.  Poor Bill came home Friday night and I pretty much told him I was sick and going to bed and left him eating his supper all alone in front of the TV.  I felt awful, but hurt so damn bad.  Once I started puking though I knew I had done the right thing by going off to bed and dark and quiet. 

Well I am taking a dear friend to Peoria to the Surgical Weight Loss informational meeting tonight.  I am going to help her along with her journey.  I am so excited for her and can't wait to see her a year from now.  She will be a totally new woman!  This is such a life changing thing.  I am not a surgery pusher by any means, but when someone asks me about my journey I share, the good, the bad and the super ugly, but when they ask for help I am here.  I am helping her get started and I am going to share my story with the group too, kind of a pay it forward thing.  I got to see post op patients at my informational meeting.  I will never forget "Big Mike" or "Jerri" and those people are inspiring because they have been successful and I want to show that a year ago, I was sitting in that same room, scared to death to start this journey, but I did and am forever grateful for all I've been through and all that I've been given because of this new chance at life. 

can I really do all this?

Oh happy day... NOT really, but busy one at that.  With the whirlwind of the last few days, I am feeling like whooping some butt, so I plan on whooping this house into shape today.  I got to bake a couple cakes for my Uncle Dicks meal after his funeral service tomorrow.  I signed up for some desserts so I am making pumpkin bars.  Yum.  I also plan on making some veggie soup and taking that in too.  Should be an interesting day at that.  Clean house, cook, and then Cole gets out of school at One today.  This means he will be home shortly after two.  I plan on being set to go at Two and head out.  I am going to do some MAJOR shopping today.  I want to stockpile some canned goods, and get the cupboards full and ready for winter.  I really really hate shopping in the winter time.  It's such a PITA to get out and get Brody out in the cold with snowballs flying and get groceries.  I hit up the county market 10/$10 deals this week, but that isn't even the tip of the iceberg.  I really want to get veggies, soups, beans, and dry goods stockpiled so I know I don't have to go anyplace if I don't want to.  I also need some household extras too, foil, baggies, tp, pt, laundry soap, diswasher soap, trash bags.  You get the drift... this is going to be a BIG shopping trip, so before I can head out today, after I bake cakes, or while they are baking, I also need to clean out the van.  Get my butt in gear for this trip!  Sams, Aldis and Walmart here I come.  Lookout!  Cole's going to HATE me after this trip.  I might have to BRIBE him with a little prezzie if he helps me out LOTS today!

Brody's new speech therapist is coming today, if she can find us?  I hope she can get the directions I gave her.  Might have to go to her rescue if she gets lost. 

Well this crap isn't going to start itself, as bad as I want it to.  I just can't get my rump going today.  I'd rather sleep in!  I've already gotten Cole up and off and Bill up, breakfast cooked, lunches made, and made coffee.  Then laundry going, diswasher unloaded from last night and I'm on my first "break" already!  Ha ha ha.  Many more of these to come today I'm sure.  Still not completely up to par, my cough comes and goes, so does this runny nose.  It's frustrating. 

To top it off, I FORGOT to bring in my plants last night.  Looks like they might be DEAD now.  It was COLD out there last night.  Oops.  Guess I will have to spend the $ on Flowers again next spring.  Ugh.  This just pisses me off because I planned on bringing them in, forgot.  Scatterbrained me.  I am worthless if it isn't in my phone or my calendar.  Geesh.  I am getting old. 

Watching Tv.   So they are doing a Reynolds Wrap commercial about cooking turkey.  Why in the heck don't my turkeys EVER look like that?  I am sooooo craving turkey right now.  I am ready for Thanksgiving to get here.  I just told Grandma Jean that last night.  Sounds so yummy now.  Turkey, taters, gravy, stuffing... mmmmm  best part is, I can EAT a little this year!  I am healed up enough now I can enjoy the holidays.  Speaking of holidays, Mom got me my fireplace for my living room for Christmas yesterday.  It's beautiful.  I want it NOW!  I'm sooooo excited for this! 

Wore my new belt yesterday.  Because my new size 14/15 jeans are falling off me.  I have no butt to hold them up.  I've never really wore a belt before.  I know... weird, but honestly people, fat people don't do belts!  I must say it did help keep me from pulling up my britches all day long, that was a BONUS!

I love my husband.  Don't know why I'm saying this today more than any other day, but he's pretty special.  I just think sometimes I don't give him credit for what he does for me.  He's my rock.  He's the one who holds me up when I'm weak and makes me feel like I am on top of the world.  He's been so supportive of me this week, with all the things going on.  Last night he kinda needed me a bit and it made me feel special to be there for him when he needed advice.  I am honored he thinks enough of my opinion on things to even ask.  I know I do the books and keep things in line, but major decisions I leave up to him.  This is all still so new to me, even after 12 years of marriage, farming is NOT something I am used to.  He's lived it his whole life.  He knows the things I don't get.  I just feel special to take part in things with him.  We are quite the team. 

I'm really off now... geesh I'm GOING!!!!!

Where's that easy button???

I don't usually post much about this, because I am angry, hurt and most people just don't understand.  People in this world are so narrow minded and quick to judge and I personally don't like to listen to their shit, so I usually keep my mouth shut, but I need to get some stuff off my chest and I'm posting where I let it all out best.  Let me start by saying that I'm not wanting to discuss this.  I just want to get it out and that's it.  I have things I want to say and need to say and so I'm going to say them.  I do not want comments, mean or nice, I just don't care.  I just have to vent.  End of story.

Danny... oh Danny, where do I begin?  Danny and I went to school together.  We had a few classes together, shared a few laughs, went to a few of the same parties, had some fun.  Life happened.  Graduation, lives changed.  Danny even dated someone near and dear to our hearts.  They broke up, his life took a turn.  He grew up on a farm less than a mile from Bill his whole life.  They rode the bus together, graduated together.  Danny was a worker, hard worker, and very very skilled and crafted with his hands.  He could design and make projects and they turned out amazing.  He had a gift.  He was a hard working solid farm boy.  He got caught up in a life nobody ever imagined for him.  He got sucked into the world of drugs.  I think like most people in our area, Danny had dabbled in a little pot here and there, but when he went through a break up that rocked his world, he turned to something even more harsh, meth.  Danny is the first to admit what an awful mistake that was.  He met and fell in love with a girl who had a child.  He played Daddy to that girl and played the part well.  He loved her and he loved her momma.  Both Danny and his girlfriend Erin were involved with the drugs.  It didn't take long to suck him in deep.  Something happened, and we may never know what, but that little girl ended up dying.  Dying from injuries sustained somehow and swelling of her brain. 
Fast forward a few months, Danny gets arrested for Drug charges and then gets pinned with murder charges.  Something about all this just shook me to my core.  The Danny I knew, could never harm a child, he just didn't have it in him.  He was a big teddy bear.  Kids flocked to Danny, because honestly he was just a kid at heart.  I felt inclined to write to him.  I wanted him to know that Bill and I were in his corner and that he had our support. 
 This started a chain of letters, packages and phone calls over the last 4 years.  Danny said he didn't do this.  That's good enough for us.  He's a good man, he has an awesome family and he needed our support.  Hundreds and hundreds of letters later, we have a special friendship and a bond like no other.  Danny is such a dear friend to Bill and I and he holds a special place in our hearts. 

Yesterday was Danny's sentencing.  He had been found guilty of meth charges years ago and had already spent 4 years in federal prison for the meth charges.  His murder trial he was found guilty, but the supreme court threw out that trial and ordered a new trial, which he just completed last month, and found guilty once again by 12 jurors.  State presented a main statement throughout the trial, that either Danny, or Erin committed this murder.  Nobody could seem to find a mother guilty of killing her own child, so the blame once again fell on Danny.  The evidence in the case was all circumstantial.  There was not one shred of concrete evidence that pinned Danny to this murder.  Those jurors were instructed not to let feelings or sympathies play into their decisions, but somehow 12 people found him guilty once again.  He does fit the part.  He's a big boy, he has short shaved hair, he looks like he could be mean.  He really does fit the murderer part much more than the frail, shaky mother.  Erin or Danny, Danny or Erin???  That's what the state presented as their case, that's how the jury convicted him once again. 

 The judge all but stated that he may not be 100% convinced that Danny is a murder, however as a man of the law, his job was to now sentence him.  The judicial system has an order of things and now that he's been found guilty, his job is to do the sentencing.  In another words, I believe had Danny just not had a trial by jury, I don't think that judge would have found him guilty at all.  I think there was enough reasonable doubt in that judges mind to declare a mistrial and put this off until substantial evidence presented itself and the guilty party could be locked up.  That is the chance you take though, when you choose how you want your trial.  Judge or Jury?  Jury or Judge?  You would think, you'd have a better chance with a jury, that's TWELVE people that you are supposed to convince 100% that you are guilty, and somehow those twelve people let their emotions play in I'm sure.  Otherwise they couldn't have convicted a man of murder.  How can you do that to someone?  How can you convict someone BEYOND a shadow of DOUBT, when there are so many shreds of doubt thrown throughout this whole trial?  Not one shred of evidence pins Danny to this crime, yet he's now labeled a murder and now sentenced to 24 years in prison.  Danny is 34 years old.  He will get 4 years time served for the time he's already done, so this means he will get out of prison when he is 54 years old.  FIFTY-FOUR. 

Erin Yocum, the mother of Silven, she sat there in that court room yesterday and was so damned drugged out and doped up she couldn't hold her own head up and her eyeballs kept rolling back into her head.  He mouth twitching and so damned tweeked it made me sick.  She got up to state how bad Danny had changed her life, how he took away her daughter, and how she will NEVER be the same again, how she will NEVER trust another man again and she suffers from post traumatic stress disorder.  She failed to mention in that statement that she was craked out, she obviously HAD trusted another man again, because unless she's like the virgin Mary, she just had TWIN babies whom she can't even take care of because she's STILL worthless like she always has been.  She was burnt out when Danny fell in love with her and she still is a burn out, she hasn't changed at all.  She totally lied on that one.  Ugh.  Makes me want to puke just looking at her.  She now has TWO babies that she is going to raise up into this drug infused life and it's sad.  Sad and sick. 

My heart just breaks.  I can't stop crying for the life of his that's lost.  Cole will be 28 when he gets out.  He was 4 when Danny went to jail.  Danny's whole life will be spent behind bars, unless he gets his miracle.  I tell him to pray.  We pray every day for Danny. Danny deserves a miracle.  Prison, once again we await the suspense of where they will put him.  Where will he go?  Maximum?  Where at?  We are now on pins and needles waiting for them to post where he is, where he will be housed for the rest of his sentence. 

So Danny called me yesterday right after court got over.  In fact I had left the courthouse and was walking through Wal-mart.  Here I am a hot mess, I can't stop crying and my heart is breaking for him and he calls me.  He wanted to check on me, and check on Amy and make sure we thought his parents were okay.  He was worried about US.  This is the reason we love him so, he should be the one upset, yet here he is checking on US.  I was on a roll complaining how mean Erin's dad was on the stand and he cuts me off saying "Mandy, calm down a minute and stop.  You need to take a minute and put yourself in his shoes, he's lost his granddaughter, he's hurting and he's mad.  He's looking to place the blame on someone and he directs it towards me, and that's okay, I know the truth and if he looks deep enough in his heart he knows the truth too, which is why he's so angry with me, it's easier to be angry with me than his own daughter"  .... so here I stand, in the toothpaste aisle tears streaming down my face, and I just had the breath knocked out of me.  This man, who just got handed his sentence to him , 24 years in prison, was calming me down, was concerned for other people and was so calm and selfless.  Change of subject and we moved on.  This would more than likely be our last chat before he gets moved, so we gotta make it good.  Ten minutes goes by so fast when that's all you get for a phone call.  I made sure to get in how much we all love and will miss him until we get to speak to him again, I made sure to tell him we would continue to write as usual, just hold on to them until we get a mailing address for him and I made sure to tell him that Cole and I would continue our Biggest Loser Danny Date Nights without him and keep him updated with what happens on the show over the course of the next few weeks.  What's really going to suck is explaining to Cole why Danny can't call on Tuesday nights for awhile.  He knows it's coming, and he knows yesterday was his sentencing and he knows he got 24 years, I told him everything.  I tell Cole the truth about it all.  Cole has grown up with Danny in our lives so he knows all about the trial and everything.  To him Danny is his "buddy" and he loves to write him letters, color him pictures and show him his homework good grades!  Cole will just have a hard time not getting to say hello to him on the phone this coming Tuesday.  He enjoys his Tuesday phone calls.  It's going to be a sad night I'm sure.  

So here we are.  The day after.  I can't stand to watch TV.  Listening to the news makes me sick.  Makes me break out in tears all over again.  Randy and Diana are such amazing people.  I love them both so much and I am grateful for the world series right now, so they can focus and root for their Cardinals and give them something to root for!  Something to focus on and take their minds off things for awhile.  It will just be much better when we all know where he is going and how far away he will be.  Praying for someplace close so they can go and visit their son often.  This is just so hard on them.  

So this is why I've been so on edge lately, so upset and so hurt.  My heart is breaking for the people I love.  I just want an easy button for us all so I can make it better for them all. 

Psychic, it was way more than it was cracked up to be!

Paulette Lucas the psychic was just amazing.  She said some profound statements that made my heart skip a beat more than once.  An hour... seems so long, yet went by so very quickly.  In a blink of an eye it was all over with, but boy did we all walk away from it feeling like WOW!  None of us could believe the things she knew. 
She started off reading our Auras Mom had a lot of Blue around her.  She stated mom was one to be strong, keep her thoughts to herself and once in awhile just finally let out her emotions and have a break down.  This is mom to a T. 
She went on to Shawn, he had a lot of green around him and some blue.  She said he was a strong guy, who liked to put up walls and hide his emotions, but deep down he did feel things and lots of things bothered him a lot.  (Again this is Shawn in a nut shell)
On to Me...  she stated that I have LOTS of PINK around me.  I am an old soul.  She stated that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but most of all I tend to take on others burdens and see them as my own.  (What creeps me out here is this is EXACTLY what I do and I don't know why, or how to stop it, but I tend to over feel things that other people are feeling and going through.  I can even go as far as totally exhausting myself with others thoughts and feelings)  she picked up on all this and stated that I have 2 spirits that are constantly with me.  She said she didn't know if I knew they were there or not, but they've been with me since childhood, they are still here, but I might not feel them as strongly as I had in the past.  My mom pipes up "she had two imaginary friends as a child, she would make me give them baths, set the table for them and give them things all the time, and Paulette says "those weren't imaginary friends Nancy, they were real spirits and they are both still with her"  creepy!   She picked up that I myself am a bit sensitive.  I tend to think to myself a lot that I "see" spirits.  I also feel presences a lot.  She came right out and told me that I was capable of communicating with spirits, I just hadn't tapped into my "gift" yet.  The reason I tend to take on others feelings and emotions is I am an empath (sp?) and I haven't figured out how to block others energies from entering into me.  This kinda made me feel relieved, because for years I have felt things that others were feeling that I shouldn't be experiencing for myself.  It's strange.  I can remember one time I was in Burlington shopping with Grandma Jean and I was on my way home and my arm just hurt so badly.  Just started KILLING me.  When we got home there was a note on the table that they took Shawn to the er to call hospital.  We did and he had fell off the roof and broke his arm.  Anyways, she said I need to work on my "gift" to hone in on my empathicies.  This scares me because I've never really talked to anyone before about any of this and here she picked  up on all of it. 
She came out and stated that there were two very pestering spirits in the room with us.  Both men.  One older one newer in spirit.  She said she felt that the newer in spirit had just  passed within the last year, if even that.  (This was Grandpa Trone) and the older spirit was the youngest of the two, but was there to welcome in the newest spirit.  (This would be my dad)  They both had a lot to say and were coming at her from both sides.  I guess Grandpa was standing behind me and by my mom, and Dad focused more over towards me and Shawn, but to have Dad and Grandpa both so close to me made it hard for her to tell who was speaking to her. At one point she stated that my Dad had died from something sudden in his chest.  She said she had a heaviness in her chest like she couldn't breathe.  She asked if it was a heart attack because that's what it felt like.  We told her it was.  She kept seeing an empty pill bottle and her mind when to "drugs" because of the pill bottle, she asked if dad did drugs because he felt guild associated to that pill bottle.  Like he was guilty about it?  I told her the story that he was on BP meds and I had asked him if he needed me to pick up his refill a month before he died and he told me no that Grandma Jean had given him money for it and so I went and got mine and never filled his and after he died I was cleaning out his house and found the empty pill bottle with no refills in sight and I was so upset thinking "if I had only gotten him those pills he'd be alive today"  then she looked right at me and said "he wanted to die, he didn't want to leave you, but he was ready to die, he was miserable here" and she was right.  A couple weeks before he did die he was out and He and I were watching Harry Potter.  We went outside for a smoke break and when we came back in before we started the movie Dad said to me "Sissy, I miss my dad, I'm ready to go be with my dad"  I started flipping out on him and told him that he shouldn't say that, if he died Shawn and I would be so sad, we would not be able to handle it and he said "yes you will, you are both awesome kids, you have Bill, Shawn might be a little shit now, but he will be alright I promise you, and I am just ready to see my dad, it's not fair that I have never gotten to get to know him and it's time for me to do that. I'm ready"  I was so friggin mad at him that day for saying that and upsetting me, but after he died I was so comforted knowing that he was finally with his dad getting to know him.  Paulette knew all this.  It was creepy. 
Then she looks at Shawn and says, so your dad had a bit of a drinking problem huh? and Shawn said "yeah the last few years," and she looks right at him and says "well so do you and your guardian angel's been working overtime trying to keep you out of trouble, your angel needs a break kid, you need to straighten up and give your angel a little break"  Mom and I looked at each other and just smiled, and this was after Shawn looked like he wanted to DIE!  Boy she hit the nail on the head with that statement.  She did know a few other more personal things about each of us that nobody on earth should ever have known, it was weird that she knew this stuff. 

She asked who had lost the babies because my dad was in heaven getting to be a grandfather to a boy and little girl.  Well that was me.  It's nice to know that my dad is a "grandpa" and that he's taking good care of my babies.  I feel so good knowing that they are safe in his arms.  

She said that my Grandpa apologized over and over for the way he was not quite a good enough father to his kids growing up.  He's sorry he had such a drinking problem.  He also regrets all that he missed out on because of it all. 

She knew we had an older woman who was with her in spirit that had just passed and she was FULL of cancer, This would be my aunt Katie. 

She knew that Dad's mom, Grandma Jean was still alive.  She knew that she had been through a lot of death in her life and that there were 8 spirits making their presence known to her that they were there waiting on her to join them someday, they would all be there to welcome her.  She pegged Grandma Jean too, she said she was the strongest woman.  That is so much the truth.  Grandma is amazing.  She's lost all her children and she's such a strong person. 

Paulette knew shawn had a "talent" related to his hands.  She kept making guitar movements with her hands, but could NOT put her finger on what his talent was.  She thought it had to do with his job, but was so confused with why his hands were so involved and why there was a bright star behind it.  Turns out the talent was his guitar playing and the bright star represents that he has a bright future with his guitar playing and most of all writing music.  She told him he needs to let his walls down and put the pen to the paper and get to writing music.  She said that will be his claim to fame. 

Overall it was such a powerful and peaceful thing.  I am so happy that we went and we will more than likely be going back in the spring.  I am so happy and more at peace knowing that Everyone is all together and happy on the other side.  It really just validates that and puts my mind at ease. 

Super Clean Saturday

What a day... it's not even over yet!  I got up this morning and started laundry.  It was almost complete after working on it off and on this last week.  I had two loads to finish.  I got them going.  I then grabbed the broom and headed from Coles room and made my way down the hall and into Brody's room, continued down the hall, into our room, down the hall to the bathroom and then got it all scooped up and started back in Coles room with the mop.  I mopped all the way to the bathroom, got in the bathroom scrubbed the sink, shower, toilet and then mopped up the bathroom.  I then continued down the hall to the laundry room and got that area mopped up.  I went to the kitchen and scrubbed out the fridge, wiped down the stove, counters, table and cabinets.  I then swept and mopped the kitchen.  Next up was the dining room.  I dusted the furnature, swept and mopped and headed into the living room.  I picked up all Brody's toys and ran the vacuum and dusted in there too.  Busy busy busy!  I was also moving loads of laundry all around through all this crap too.  I loaded the boys up at 11 and headed to town to get grandma.

We needed to go to Missouri to get her smokes and Bill smokes, so we went there, then picked up the two free pizzas that pizza hut owed me because they were a flipping hour and a half late in getting my pizzas done last week.  I then stopped by Aldi's to grab eggs, milk and a couple odds and ends that caught my eye.  We went to Grandmas and ate a slice of pizza for lunch.  Except for Cole, he had 3!  He was starved. 

I came back home and cut up veggies to make roasted veggies for supper.  I also had some yams so I washed them up and wrapped them to bake.  I had gotten some butternut squash last weekend at the pumpkin patch, so I halved them and threw them in while the oven was hot.  Right now I am outside watching the boys play and cooking out some Ribeyes on the grill. They are smelling pretty yummy!   Brody's digging in my ghetto garden buckets and Cole's wizzing around the yard on the three wheeler.  He keeps bouncing back and forth from the bean field to the yard.  He's having fun! 

Tomorrow I have some things I want to do around here and then I should go to Colchester to Aprils and pick up the pool she's giving me to take to the school for the family reading night space ship.  I also have some clothes I've gotten the girls at garage sales I could drop off to her and I had gotten Madi a cute spider halloween costume and I can't wait to give it to her!  Cute. 

Yesterday was Danny's 34th Birthday and he spent it behind bars, once again.  It just breaks my heart.  I sent him a card and letter and then last night Cole colored him some pictures and wrote him a letter so today I mailed him out a package again.  He will enjoy that getting all this mail!  He loves letters.  His sentencing is coming up and I've been trying to keep him positive and just keep praying that the judge gives him a light sentence.  He deserves it. 

I have all these apples I need to get used up.  I have stuff to make apple crisps so I am going to plan on doing that sometime tomorrow too.  That will keep me busy peeling all those apples!  My family will appreciate the rewards from it too with all the yummy deserts I'm making.  I might do an apple cake too?  Who knows?

Well better get off here and get things whipped into shape for supper.  The night is fading fast.  Speaking of that, wonder when the time changes?  I haven't paid much attention to that yet?  I bet it's coming soon though?  Great.  I hate short days.  I love long bright evenings. 

Crazy, Nuts and all in between!

Wowzers my head seems to be spinning!  It's been so crazy lately.  It never seems to settle down around here, but this is NUTS.  My Dr's apts, meetings for my meetings we are starting, school events, PTO, Mom's having surgery today, Bill's in the fields busy as ever, Cooking, cleaning, preparing for the Vendor Blender at the end of the month, it seems like this madness will NEVER end.  I am just going to have to start saying NO.  No I can't do things.  No I can't take on anymore.  My phones calendar is FULL of crap to do daily, until the end of the month.  It's crazy.  Why is there something every day?  Who signed me up for all this crap?  Ha ha ha

Mom gets her gallbladder out this morning.  Please say a prayer for her fast surgery, and speedy recovery.  I can't be there with her as I have a Dr's apt of my own, and no sitter for Brody, so here I sit on pins and needles praying for her.  She's with Carla Rodeffer, so she's in good hands! 

Tonight I head to Galesburg to a support group meeting.  It will more than likely be the last meeting there I get to attend because I am starting up our own group locally.  I am headed there to get some suggestions of how to run things locally for us.  It has to be tailored to meet the needs of all kinds of surgical weight loss, so I hope we can do that for everyone.  Most of all just getting together with other people who are going through all the rapid changes you are, is super important.  I think our group will be a super success if we get regulars to attend and have a good crowd.  I am excited to see how it turns out.  I know the press release went out this week to all the local media, so we will see what the public word of mouth does to increase our population at meetings. 

I miss my hunny.  He's been working so much lately.  I hate this time of year, but love the fact that we know he's rolling in the money as every hour passes, makes it kinda a catch 22.  He's so thrilled with his yields so far.  He says things are much better than he expected for a few of our farms.  This made me smile to see him so happy about all that. 

Last night I made up chicken and noodles to take to my mom's and some to grandma Trone for supper and then I am taking some to Beverly because she's keeping the boys for me tonight while I go to the Galesburg meeting and this way, she won't have to cook for them or worry about fixing supper while they are there.  Just heat it up and serve.  Bill and I tried a bite last night and boy was it yummy!  I saved some extra shredded chicken and plan on making like some home made pot pies with it.  Something like a creamy chicken casserole with some biscuits or something on top.  The boys really enjoy stuff like that and I figure it would be easy enough for mom to eat after surgery.  She's not going to feel like cooking for a few days, so I got to take care of her and Dennis. 

In a week we go to the Psychic.  I am so excited.  I can't wait.  I hope I hear what I want to hear and nothing bad!  I don't want to know anything bad! 

Fall colors are starting to POP.  Joe's getting senior pics taken on the 14th too, and I think they will be PERFECT!  It's so beautiful out there!  I think it will just look amazing in the nature and around the farm.  He's such a poser too, so it should be a fun shoot for him.  Brandi Johnson is going to do them for him and she takes AMAZING photos so they will rock!

I am about to go nuts because there is a random dog barking someplace in the distance outside.  Funny thing is we don't have neighbors for miles so I'm not sure where this damn dog is coming from but it won't shut up and has been barking ALL night long.  Annoying.  It's driving me batty listening to it. It is starting to sound a bit hoarse though, so maybe before long I won't hear it anymore.  Who knows where it is, someplace off in the distance, but it just keeps barking and barking and barking. 

I love having these crops out and finally being able to see for MILES in all directions again.  I love our home and where we sit.  We have the perfect view all around us.  It's pretty spectacular actually.  Just nature as far as the eyes can see.

Well time to get breakfast going and Bill's coffee made.  He will be hopping out of bed soon. 

Circles

Crazy... that's the story of my life.  I think I'm going crazy most days.  Running in circles, running in place, always running here there everywhere.  All this running must be really paying off.  I've lost 165 lbs.  I am getting so close to my goal and I'm not even half way through my expected weight loss window.  I am so proud of myself for MANY reasons.  It's weird to be proud of myself, I've never done that before.  I never really had much of  a reason to be happy with myself.  I just always settled for blase.  I was never truly HAPPY.  Yesterday I went to a garage sale.  I bought some XL shirts and planned to use them for late winter.  I thought they would fit by then.  I've been wearing 1X or 2X lately.  My boobs have done some more shrinking because my bras are getting big again.  I don't much like this part, they are beginning to look like deflated balloons.  It's kinda sad.  My whole body kind of looks like a deflated balloon in places.  Oh well, at least I am getting healthy.  That is all that matters.  I feel healthier now than I have in years and years.  It's pretty awesome to feel good.  I always thought I felt good, but boy was I wrong!

I am starting up a surgical weight loss support group through our local hospital.  I am so happy about this.  Meetings will be the 2nd wed of every month from 4-5:30 and the 4th Thurs of every month from 6:30-8.  I am so happy for this opportunity to offer this to people in the surrounding area.  We need a group and an outlet to get together and chew the "fat" about our surgeries, struggles, successes and all.  This thrills me.  I hope we have awesome attendance and people from miles around start coming and can benefit from our support. 

I've been really struggling to support a dear friend lately.  He's going through so much right now and could really use some extra prayers.  My heart is breaking for him and his entire family and friends.  He's a pretty special part of our lives and I pray daily for him a miracle.  He could really use one right now. 

Mom, Shawn and I have an appointment with a psychic medium October 14th.  I am so excited to go do this reading.  I have so many things I want answered.  I hope the people we want to reach will come forward and let us know they are with us. This excites me to no end.  I am praying for some peace after this session.  I need this.

I am having a Thirty One party tonight for my moms birthday.  I hope we have a nice turn out.  I have a lot of food cooked up.  I made veggie soup, beer bread, spinach veggie dip, little weenies, chips, salsa, maid rites, sliced apples with caramel or fruit dip.  It will be quite the spread!  I am excited to see everyone.  Should be fun!
I hope to earn mom something awesome for her birthday present with the free stuff from the party!

The circus is coming to town Sunday.  The boys are going to LOVE it.  I can't wait to capture the joy on their faces!  It will be a nice family time.  Bill is taking off work to go with us.  This makes me happy!  We rarely do family things, so this will be nice.  Jeremy and Cassie also have him talked into going to West Point Iowa in Dec to take the boys on the Polar Express Train ride.  It's fun and crafts, snacks and games, prizes for the kids.  It sounds like an amazing experience.  I think they will LOVE it!  I'm happy he's agreed to go!  It will be a nice family adventure!

Well time to take a little nap.  Then it's party time!!!

Falling out, falling off

I have been super busy around here lately.  I've been catching up on book work, so there's not so much to do for the end of the year cram.  I've been cleaning, laundry, and picking up after the boys all day long.  It's been crazy.  Brody makes messes in no time at all.  Just when I think I am getting something accomplished, he's making such a horrible mess someplace else that I never knew about.  It's frustrating at times.

The weather is getting chilly.  There's some days that I want to turn the furnace on, but have been trying really hard not to.  I've been using the oven a lot and it really heats the place up.  We've not had to turn the furnace on yet. 

Bill's been so busy in the fields.  He's been putting in long hours and they are getting quite a bit accomplished so far.  The fields around our house are all out.  It looks funny now to see the empty field once again, especially since it's been so tall for so long now.  You can once again see for miles in a couple directions.  It's neat.  I love where our house sits and how far away you can see from here.  Pretty nice. 

Tonight Jeremy & Cassie and girls are coming out for fried chicken.  We are all craving it and so I decided to cook it tonight.  It will be our mid week treat. 

My hair is falling out something awful.  It hasn't really bothered me much up until this last few weeks.  It's so stringy and thin and just looks awful, unless I just throw it up.  Theres nothing there, so I have to use a ton of hair products to fluff it out and make it look like I actually have some hair.  I'm working hard on taking all my daily vitamins and getting in all my protein.  I have been using the Nioxin shampoo, conditioner, and leave in treatment.  I sure hope it works well, I am starting to notice some regrowth, however in the mean time, this is bothering me so bad.  I am going in today to get a cut.  Not sure how drastic I will have to go to get it to look healthy.  Right now it's so stringy and thin that I think some layers and depth will help it out a lot.  I don't know, but I don't like it now.  It's the longest it's been in years, so I hate to cut it off, but right now it looks awful.

Well I better get Cole up for school.  It's picture day, so I have to pick something nice out for him to wear and he wants his hair done up to look nice.  Maybe he will let me style it a bit?  He's not into the spiked or gelled up hair, but I might tempt him for photos?

Family Photos, Kidney stones, and more...

It has been a horrible week for me.  I woke up with awful pain and didn't know what was going on?  I knew I'd never felt pain like this before, so I woke up Bill and told him I needed to go to the ER.  He said he'd take me.  In the mean time I started puking because I hurt so damn bad.  It was awful.  It felt like awful labor pains, but worse menstrual cramps and this awful rectal pressure that made me feel like I had to pee and poop all the time.  It was just a horrible time.  I felt like I couldn't get comfortable.  I paced the floors for hours until I finally woke up Bill.  The trip to the hospital I had some relief because I just puked and it seemed to rid me of some of the pain.  By the time I got to the ER I felt like an idiot because I had after effect pain, a dull ache and rectal pressure but no horrible pain like I had been feeling.  The Dr was persistent with tests and there was blood in my urine so he ran more tests.  After a CT it was discovered I had kidney stones.  The Dr thought I passed one that morning, and that's why the pain went away, but there are 3 more behind it.  He sent me home on pain meds and told me to rest up.  I came home drugged myself up and went to sleep.  Thank goodness Brody slept all afternoon too.  I was OUT of it.  I spent three days in a sleepy drugged up coma until I think I eventually passed at least one more.  I feel so much better now.  I just hope that the others don't bother me and that hopefully I passed all three at once and it's all over.  I am totally off the caffeine.  I had been before surgery, but I had been drinking some diet soda now and again, which I shouldn't have, but I now am not doing it at all.  The Dr told me the stones were caused by calcium and high protein diets.  Well that's my lifestyle in a nut shell now!  So looks like this might be in my future again if my body responds to me like this, I don't think I will like it much.  I have to stay on high protein diet.  I also have to stay on my calcium and added D vitamins.  Go figure.  It's such a catch 22.

Our family did get photos taken last week.  I am so thrilled with them.  We LOVE them all it's going to be so hard to chose which ones to print for where!  We have some ideas, but are working on putting them all together.  Brandi Johnson took them and she worked well with the boys.  I am so thrilled to have some skinnier pics of myself with the guys.  It really means a lot to me to finally have some new photos. 

I am glad to be pain free, but seriously trying to play catch up around here.  There's laundry to do, dishes to do, floors to sweep.  It's a shame how this house can become so darned messy in a couple days of doing nothing.  All I was able to do was cook and barely that most days, so things have been piling up around here.  I caught up dishes yesterday and then today.  I also got laundry going and about done.  I have two more loads to dry and fold-hang and put away. 

Brody's been super clingy these last few days.  It makes it hard to do things with him up my butt all day long.  I love that kid to death, but sometimes he smothers me!  It's frustrating that he's polar opposite of Cole.  It really makes it hard on me to deal with such different kids some days.  Just the attitudes and personalities are so different to deal with. 

My weight loss is going good.  I lost 4 lbs these last few days with this kidney stone.  I wasn't eating much because of the pain.  When I did eat, I threw up a lot because of pain.  I am at 156 lbs lost as of today.  I really feel good about my progress so far.  I am so full of energy and full of life.  I think it's improved my whole outlook on things.  I am in size 16 clothing now.  That makes me so happy.  I love the fact that I can shop anywhere I desire and things will fit me .  I actually don't have to go to the plus size section anymore unless I want a loose baggy shirt.   I don't know who I am anymore.  When I walk past a mirror I just do a second take and then have to just shake my head in surprise about my reflection.  I really don't know how to put it into words except to say that my head hasn't quite caught up with my body just yet.  It is strange to feel like that.  This physical change happens so fast, faster than I ever imagined.  It just feels awesome to have a "new" body to look at and to carry around.  I think it's so strange because the fastness of it all really doesn't make sense to even me.  150 lbs in 7 months, WOWZERS!  I've spent years and years seeing my reflection as one way, and now that I am totally different, it's strange to see, especially in such a short amount of time.  The changes happened so fast that my brain just can't quite catch up yet!  I'm not used to such vitality for life.  I am not used to this added energy, I am not used to being so active and AWAKE in my own skin.  I love every second of it.  I will do all that I can for the rest of my life to stay this way.  This is who I really am and who I have always meant to be! 

Harvest has began.  They have the combine all ready to go and have been shelling some corn the last few days.  Bill's happy to be so busy and in the fields.  I am happy that the fall feeling is here.  I have all my fall decor out.  My pumpkins, scarecrows, and scents burning in my scentsy pots.  It smells and feels like fall.  I have made some creamy tater soup for supper.  It's simmering in the crock pot.  It smells so yummy I can't wait to dig into it!  I love love love fall!  I love the coolness, the crispness of the leaves, the snuggles, the windows open, it melts my heart.