Addictions

I am finally over my 100 lb mark!  Today I logged in at 105 lbs gone forever!  I am feeling better than I have in years!  I am so proud of myself for all that I have accomplished in the last few months.  I get so disgusted with the people out there who say I did this the "easy" way or I am "cheating" with weight loss because I had surgery.  Walk a day in my shoes people, then tell me how you would feel.  I was MORBIDLY OBESE.  I still am, but I took action and decided I was important enough to change for.  I have tried every diet under the sun, I have worked my butt off only to gain it back and then some after falling off the plan.  I was digging myself into an early grave, but now I am digging myself out, it's NOT been easy.  If you think this is cheating, go ahead and think that.  I had MAJOR surgery. I was under for over 8 hours.  Closer to 9.  I had my entire anatomy cut, re arranged and sewed back together.  It's been FOUR months now and guess what???  My insides still haven't completely healed up.  They won't be completely healed for up to a year.  I had to make a choice to re arrange my whole anatomy so I could LIVE.  I was dying a bit inside and out every day I stayed morbidly obese.  I have been bigger my whole life, but I finally decided to take this step and make a go of a new healthy me. 

Easy... ha.  You take me now on a good day and see the struggles I have to go through.  Many many bathroom breaks, upset stomach for no reason, nausea, vomiting at times even when you are doing EVERYTHING right, the complete mind screwing that food plays on you in every day life is just a small aspect of this whole mess.  Slowing down your pace, planning for eating, planning for the after effects of eating.  What to drink, what not to drink, how much to drink.  It's all such a complicated mess, but has it been worth it??  For me and my lifestyle I'd have to say yes.  Fatigue... boy was I dog ass tired the first 8 weeks.  Some days there I had so much trouble making it across the room to the bathroom and then I'd have to come back and take a nap!  Lack of calories and lack of nutrients really does mess with you.  Nutrients.  Oh boy, there's a BIG component of this surgery.  Nothing absorbs inside me.  This includes the things I NEED to absorb to live.  I have to take HANDFULS of vitamins daily to function.  I have to drink the nastiest tasting protein shakes daily.  I have to plan for snacks to include high protein supplements and I have to watch how much I drink before and after meals so I don't get sick.  It's all such a struggle  It still is.  Easy???  I don't think so.  The weight falling off is the easy part, I'll give you that, but the rest of it is NOT easy at all.  It's completely mentally exhausting to deal with what a bariatric patient has to deal with on a daily basis.  This weight I've dealt with my whole life, being fat was EASY.  Getting healthy is HARD.  It's hard for someone to wrap your head around this whole process until you are the one having to go through it.  I want to scream at the semi fat people " STOP EATING NOW... YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS."  You get to a point where to survive surgery is your only option.  I had to do this.  I gave my efforts to other options and obviously they failed me, or I failed them however you look at it.  I am a failure.  I always have been.  I have failed myself for MANY MANY years, but for once in my life I am succeeding!  I am coming out on top!  I am feeling like YOU feel daily.  I've never felt this good inside, so I'd never had known what I was missing, but I could see it in your faces.  I knew I was missing out, but until now, I didn't know what LIFE was and what LIVING really meant. 

You can say what you want behind my back, you can say what you want to my face, but I did this for ME ME ME.  I am HAPPY I had this surgery, easy way out, cheating, beating the system, whatever in the hell you want to call it, I did it.  I am happy I did it and I am getting healthier by the day.  I could still die tomorrow.  It could happen, but at least I will be the one going to heaven knowing that while I was here I have given it my all to live my LIFE the best I can. 

Food... ahhh food.  You got to eat to live.  It's torture.  It's like setting alcohol in front of an alcoholic and telling them "You have to drink THREE drinks a day, don't drink more than that, don't drink less than that, ONLY three"   Addiction is a nasty thing.  I am a food addict.  I have been my whole life.  I am learning to deal with it, but boy has my whole LIFE changed doing it. 

Now, off to the next 100 lbs.  I'm afraid this will be a bit slower coming off, but once It does I will be sooooo PROUD of MYSELF for all that I've done and all that I struggled through to get there.  Up next... a BOOB JOB!!!  ha ha ha ha!  My boobies are shrinking along with the rest of me and it's strange!